2Health: How to take care of yourself.

How Cherokee Is Real Cherokee? Mixed-Race People Discuss Elizabeth Warren

If you thought that a white Senate candidate running for office against another white candidate could never become embroiled in a racial battle, think again. And turn your eyes toward Massachusetts, where that's exactly what's happening.

Elizabeth Warren, the Massachusetts Democrat running for a Senate seat against incumbent Republican Scott Brown, claims she is one-32nd Cherokee Indian, a claim that, for a time, was supported by the New England Historic and Genealogy Society. This week, however, the society revised its original finding, saying, "We have no proof that Elizabeth Warren’s great-great-great-grandmother O.C. Sarah Smith either is or is not of Cherokee descent."

For the most part, it's a stupid argument. A lot of kids have parents who tell them familial legends about distant Native American ancestors—who cares if Warren fell for a tall tale passed down from generation to generation? Alas, the story went from family fable to point of contention when Warren reportedly classified herself as a minority when she went to work at Harvard Law. According to reports from the Boston Globe, Warren, citing her Cherokee heritage, listed herself as a "minority professor" in the Association of American Law Schools desk book, a well-respected reference text for legal scholars, from 1986 to 1995. Warren now says she claimed minority status "in the hopes that it might mean that I would be invited to a luncheon, a group something that might happen with people who are like I am." She also says that when so such invitation materialized, she stopped checking the minority box.

Though she hasn't provided evidence to prove it, if Warren actually is part Cherokee, that gives her as much Cherokee blood as Bill John Baker, the latest principle chief of the Cherokee Nation. Still, her Republican opponents aren't having any of it; they're accusing her of concocting a minority story to help sneak into her job and Harvard, and to curry favor with "real" minorities.

Of course, that the GOP would harangue Warren is obvious. More interesting is how other mixed-race Americans feel, particularly mixed-race Americans who could, based on their looks, pass as being fully white, like Warren. So I asked a few of them.

Adam Serwer is a political reporter at Mother Jones who was raised by one black parent and one Jewish parent. At the beginning of our email interview, he wanted to establish that he believes Warren's Cherokee controversy to be "a dumb non-controversy with little relationship to what matters in a Senator." That aside, he says his own racial identification has been about what he knows culturally more than what's in his blood. "I have a Cherokee great-great-grandparent, but I don't identify as Cherokee because it's had no impact on my life," he says. "I've never been to a reservation, I have no close Cherokee relatives, and no cultural ties whatsoever to the Cherokee nation. … I don't really know what my DNA says about how black or Jewish I am, but I was raised in those communities and that's the perspective I've lived my life with." In other words, if Warren had spent years in close contact with other Cherokee to learn the culture and its traditions, as, say, Chief Baker did, there may have been no issue.

Serwer says that though he finds Warren listing herself as a minority is "a bit strange," ultimately he thinks it's not a big deal. "As long as she wasn't trying to pass herself off as Native American, it doesn't bother me."

Christopher Davison, a small business owner in Tucson, Arizona, agrees that an attachment to the culture should be paramount when one is considering how to racially label oneself. Though Davis is one-quarter Japanese, he says he never considered himself anything other than white until watching a documentary about World War II in high school. "I remember when I found out about the Japanese internment camps, and i found out that I would have gone to one of those," he says. "That's kind of when I really started to feel Japanese." But although Davison's late-blooming interest in his Asian heritage led him to study the Japanese language and Japanese cooking, when it came to filling out college applications, he never checked the box marked "Asian." "Mainly because I don't look it at all," he says. When his cousin, who is also 1/4 Japanese, started identifying himself as Asian on all of his college and scholarship applications, Davison says it made him a little upset. "He didn't know how to speak Japanese or cook any of the food or anything," he says. "To claim the culture but not really know it is strange, and I could do origami and reproduce my grandmother's recipes and speak to her in her language. I definitely felt more Japanese than him."

So if Warren wasn't really steeped in Cherokee tradition, as Davison was with Japanese tradition, should she be so eager to claim Cherokee? According to Jessica Reed, a graduate student in Los Angeles who is one-32nd black and one-32nd Native American, she should. "I'm sure Elizabeth Warren is, on the one hand, trying to capitalize on her being part Native American so she has greater appeal to non-white demographics," says Reed. "But if I were in her position, I'd not only claim my heritage, but make the case that non-white voters can see me as an ally, and that their concerns will always be my concerns. I don't think that's pandering. I think that's progressive."

One voice has been noticeably absent from discussions of whether Warren is Cherokee enough: that of actual Cherokee people and their descendants. So I got in touch with Steven "Stone Bear" Phillips, principal chief of the United Cherokee Nation, an organization of Cherokee descendants, people much like Warren herself claims to be. "Only Indians, dogs, cats and horses are registered and have a blood quantum requirement," he says. "Research Native people and you will find that the registration requirements and blood quantum issue is divisive amongst the people and was installed by the very government that tried for hundreds of years to genocide the Cherokee and other Native peoples."

Phillips compares Warren to Obama, who is also famously mixed race. "Our current President is mixed blood, including some Cherokee blood, but self-identifies as an African-American. I don’t believe he has to have a [letter from the government] to prove it," he says. "In turn, neither should I, nor you, nor Ms. Warren, be required to prove to any other person or government, who we are and what blood quantum percentage we have."

Phillips closed his email to me this way: "My prayers to the Creator today are for my Cherokee sister Ms. Warren."

Photo via (cc) Flickr user mdfriendofhillary

How Cherokee Is Real Cherokee? Mixed-Race People Discuss Elizabeth Warren

If you thought that a white Senate candidate running for office against another white candidate could never become embroiled in a racial battle, think again. And turn your eyes toward Massachusetts, where that's exactly what's happening.

Elizabeth Warren, the Massachusetts Democrat running for a Senate seat against incumbent Republican Scott Brown, claims she is one-32nd Cherokee Indian, a claim that, for a time, was supported by the New England Historic and Genealogy Society. This week, however, the society revised its original finding, saying, "We have no proof that Elizabeth Warren’s great-great-great-grandmother O.C. Sarah Smith either is or is not of Cherokee descent."

For the most part, it's a stupid argument. A lot of kids have parents who tell them familial legends about distant Native American ancestors—who cares if Warren fell for a tall tale passed down from generation to generation? Alas, the story went from family fable to point of contention when Warren reportedly classified herself as a minority when she went to work at Harvard Law. According to reports from the Boston Globe, Warren, citing her Cherokee heritage, listed herself as a "minority professor" in the Association of American Law Schools desk book, a well-respected reference text for legal scholars, from 1986 to 1995. Warren now says she claimed minority status "in the hopes that it might mean that I would be invited to a luncheon, a group something that might happen with people who are like I am." She also says that when so such invitation materialized, she stopped checking the minority box.

Though she hasn't provided evidence to prove it, if Warren actually is part Cherokee, that gives her as much Cherokee blood as Bill John Baker, the latest principle chief of the Cherokee Nation. Still, her Republican opponents aren't having any of it; they're accusing her of concocting a minority story to help sneak into her job and Harvard, and to curry favor with "real" minorities.

Of course, that the GOP would harangue Warren is obvious. More interesting is how other mixed-race Americans feel, particularly mixed-race Americans who could, based on their looks, pass as being fully white, like Warren. So I asked a few of them.

Adam Serwer is a political reporter at Mother Jones who was raised by one black parent and one Jewish parent. At the beginning of our email interview, he wanted to establish that he believes Warren's Cherokee controversy to be "a dumb non-controversy with little relationship to what matters in a Senator." That aside, he says his own racial identification has been about what he knows culturally more than what's in his blood. "I have a Cherokee great-great-grandparent, but I don't identify as Cherokee because it's had no impact on my life," he says. "I've never been to a reservation, I have no close Cherokee relatives, and no cultural ties whatsoever to the Cherokee nation. … I don't really know what my DNA says about how black or Jewish I am, but I was raised in those communities and that's the perspective I've lived my life with." In other words, if Warren had spent years in close contact with other Cherokee to learn the culture and its traditions, as, say, Chief Baker did, there may have been no issue.

Serwer says that though he finds Warren listing herself as a minority is "a bit strange," ultimately he thinks it's not a big deal. "As long as she wasn't trying to pass herself off as Native American, it doesn't bother me."

Christopher Davison, a small business owner in Tucson, Arizona, agrees that an attachment to the culture should be paramount when one is considering how to racially label oneself. Though Davis is one-quarter Japanese, he says he never considered himself anything other than white until watching a documentary about World War II in high school. "I remember when I found out about the Japanese internment camps, and i found out that I would have gone to one of those," he says. "That's kind of when I really started to feel Japanese." But although Davison's late-blooming interest in his Asian heritage led him to study the Japanese language and Japanese cooking, when it came to filling out college applications, he never checked the box marked "Asian." "Mainly because I don't look it at all," he says. When his cousin, who is also 1/4 Japanese, started identifying himself as Asian on all of his college and scholarship applications, Davison says it made him a little upset. "He didn't know how to speak Japanese or cook any of the food or anything," he says. "To claim the culture but not really know it is strange, and I could do origami and reproduce my grandmother's recipes and speak to her in her language. I definitely felt more Japanese than him."

So if Warren wasn't really steeped in Cherokee tradition, as Davison was with Japanese tradition, should she be so eager to claim Cherokee? According to Jessica Reed, a graduate student in Los Angeles who is one-32nd black and one-32nd Native American, she should. "I'm sure Elizabeth Warren is, on the one hand, trying to capitalize on her being part Native American so she has greater appeal to non-white demographics," says Reed. "But if I were in her position, I'd not only claim my heritage, but make the case that non-white voters can see me as an ally, and that their concerns will always be my concerns. I don't think that's pandering. I think that's progressive."

One voice has been noticeably absent from discussions of whether Warren is Cherokee enough: that of actual Cherokee people and their descendants. So I got in touch with Steven "Stone Bear" Phillips, principal chief of the United Cherokee Nation, an organization of Cherokee descendants, people much like Warren herself claims to be. "Only Indians, dogs, cats and horses are registered and have a blood quantum requirement," he says. "Research Native people and you will find that the registration requirements and blood quantum issue is divisive amongst the people and was installed by the very government that tried for hundreds of years to genocide the Cherokee and other Native peoples."

Phillips compares Warren to Obama, who is also famously mixed race. "Our current President is mixed blood, including some Cherokee blood, but self-identifies as an African-American. I don’t believe he has to have a [letter from the government] to prove it," he says. "In turn, neither should I, nor you, nor Ms. Warren, be required to prove to any other person or government, who we are and what blood quantum percentage we have."

Phillips closed his email to me this way: "My prayers to the Creator today are for my Cherokee sister Ms. Warren."

Photo via (cc) Flickr user mdfriendofhillary

‘Innovation Is the Easy Part’: Providing Fuel for the Social Impact Sector

Social entrepreneurs are notoriously creative—you have to be to concoct a venture that makes doing good profitable. But when they launch their businesses, many entrepreneurs discover that innovation was the easy part.

The learning curve is sharp when you’re building a company in an emerging sector. You’ve got to find investors willing to measure returns in social impact and dollars. Plus, to really make that impact, enticing new customers becomes key. Finding a fertile ecosystem of support—and methods for facing these challenges—leads many early-stage social entrepreneurs to universities and accelerators dedicated to growing impactful business.

From B School to B Corp

Social entrepreneurship’s prominence in the business world over past decades owes partial thanks to universities. When Greg Dees developed the first social enterprise course at Harvard Business School in the mid-'90s, competitors like Stanford and Duke were quick to follow. As the sector expanded and student demand increased, the subject matter proliferated throughout higher education.

The Center for Social Entrepreneurship at Ohio’s Miami University was among the first undergraduate initiatives of its kind at an American public university. Since its founding in 2007, interest has skyrocketed, according to Brett Smith, the center’s director. The first classes offered were often filled with students unsure what “social enterprise” even meant. Now, Smith says, when he asks on day one if his students have heard of microfinancier Grameen Bank or its founder Muhammad Yunus, “every hand is up.”

Marina Kim, executive director of Ashoka U, says the growth in social enterprise programs signals the maturity of the sector. “It started in business schools… and now we’re seeing that it’s not only campus-wide—across all schools in grad and undergrad—but the types of schools that are getting involved are not just elite,” she says.

Through Ashoka U, an offshoot of Ashoka’s fellows program, 15 universities dubbed “changemaker campuses” are developing interdisciplinary social entrepreneurship programs to make social innovation a campus-wide strategic goal. Among them is Tulane University, where a robust social innovation program includes School of Architecture faculty and students designing and building environmentally sustainable, affordable housing in the Ninth Ward. Tulane’s Urban Innovation Fellows program, through a partnership with the Rockefeller Foundation, provides a $45,000 stipend and mentorship to four fellows who spend a year crafting systemic change in the areas of urban revitalization, public education, health and economic redevelopment.

At the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business,  tides are changing despite the once heavy influence of “Chicago School” free-market libertarianism. According to professor Linda Darragh, entrepreneurship is the second largest concentration at Booth, and increasingly, students enter the program declaring that they want to work in educational and agricultural businesses. “They don’t want to be investment bankers and consultants,” Darragh says. “They really want to do something more.”

Last year, Booth’s annual New Venture Challenge—a business plan competition that promises financial support for the best entrants—spun off a separate Social New Venture Challenge for 20 teams of students to develop their enterprises. This fall, Booth, Northwestern and Northern Illinois University professors are launching Impact Engine, an accelerator that will offer eight to 12 companies $20,000 upfront seed capital and a 12-week program culminating in a pitch opportunity, Investor Day.

Accelerators: matching mentorship, seed capital, and great ideas

The inspiration for Impact Engine comes from two accelerators—Hub Ventures and Excelerate Labs—that are doing for social enterprise what Y Combinator has famously done in Silicon Valley, offering short-term, intensive programs to test young startups and provide the access to mentorship and investment to help them grow. “We decided to take what’s working in the tech space with the accelerator model and apply that to the social venture space,” says Hub Ventures director Wes Selke

San Francisco-based Hub Ventures matches 10 social impact startups with mentors and investors in 12-week cohorts, providing workshops and collaborative workspace at Hub Bay Area, and up to $20,000 seed funding—all in exchange for up to 7 percent equity stake in each company.

Chicago-based Excelerate Labs, soon entering its third cycle, matches 10 companies with mentors and investors in a 13-week summer program. Excelerate, though not focused solely on social enterprise, has worked with a number of social ventures. “We’re looking for the best companies we can find… the companies we think will grow, have the most impact, have the highest likelihood of success,” says co-founder Troy Henikoff. It just so happens that thus far, many businesses that meet those qualifications are trying to do so with a double-bottom line.

Mentorship and investment works. Power2Switch, an online service that helps people switch to renewable energy, reducing usage and costs, came out of Booth’s New Venture Challenge and later was accepted to Excelerate Labs. Co-founder Phil Nevels says going through each process helped the company refine its pitch and business model. Exposure to people they “needed to know”—investors, customers, future partners—translated into an ability to raise funds quickly. According to co-founder Seyi Fabode, Excelerate and Booth helped Power2Switch grow from a few hundred to a few thousand customers.

Ethan Austin, co-founder of the personal medical expense fundraising site GiveForward, says his company is on a completely different trajectory since Excelerate. In one day in January, GiveForward processed more transactions than it did in its entire first year of business before the program. Austin explains that now he’s able to pick up the phone and call mentors like Jeff Hoffman, founder of Priceline or Tim Krauskopf, “the guy who practically invented the internet… It's incredible how much faster your business can grow when you have really smart mentors who can guide you down the right path.”

For entrepreneurs looking for an even more intense experience, there is the Unreasonable Institute in Boulder, Colo. A rigorous application process and crowdfunding competition results in 25 companies embarking on a six-week stay in a borrowed sorority house where entrepreneurs actually live with the mentors and investors who have committed to accelerating their companies. (And yes, the process is filmed. Real TV, co-founder Daniel Epstein calls it "not reality TV.")

In many ways, universities offer the best long-term nurturing for early planning. For social entrepreneurs who’ve already flipped their tassels, competitive accelerators tend to offer the best resources because more traditional “incubators” (long-term business-growing homes for startups) have been slow to develop for social entrepreneurs. These accelerators provide crash courses and connections, but also a way to tap into the elusive impact investment world. Impact and angel investors are more willing to invest in companies that have been vetted by a solid accelerator or a competitive university program.  

Still, the equity upside for social enterprise is still very much unknown. “We don’t really have our Google or our Apple or our Facebook—household names that have excited and made investors a lot of money,” Selke says. “Until that happens, it will continue to be challenging.” 

Each Thursday, Sarah Stankorb examines the way social enterprise is changing business and creating positive impact.

Photo courtesy of Unreasonable Institute

‘Innovation Is the Easy Part’: Providing Fuel for the Social Impact Sector

Social entrepreneurs are notoriously creative—you have to be to concoct a venture that makes doing good profitable. But when they launch their businesses, many entrepreneurs discover that innovation was the easy part.

The learning curve is sharp when you’re building a company in an emerging sector. You’ve got to find investors willing to measure returns in social impact and dollars. Plus, to really make that impact, enticing new customers becomes key. Finding a fertile ecosystem of support—and methods for facing these challenges—leads many early-stage social entrepreneurs to universities and accelerators dedicated to growing impactful business.

From B School to B Corp

Social entrepreneurship’s prominence in the business world over past decades owes partial thanks to universities. When Greg Dees developed the first social enterprise course at Harvard Business School in the mid-'90s, competitors like Stanford and Duke were quick to follow. As the sector expanded and student demand increased, the subject matter proliferated throughout higher education.

The Center for Social Entrepreneurship at Ohio’s Miami University was among the first undergraduate initiatives of its kind at an American public university. Since its founding in 2007, interest has skyrocketed, according to Brett Smith, the center’s director. The first classes offered were often filled with students unsure what “social enterprise” even meant. Now, Smith says, when he asks on day one if his students have heard of microfinancier Grameen Bank or its founder Muhammad Yunus, “every hand is up.”

Marina Kim, executive director of Ashoka U, says the growth in social enterprise programs signals the maturity of the sector. “It started in business schools… and now we’re seeing that it’s not only campus-wide—across all schools in grad and undergrad—but the types of schools that are getting involved are not just elite,” she says.

Through Ashoka U, an offshoot of Ashoka’s fellows program, 15 universities dubbed “changemaker campuses” are developing interdisciplinary social entrepreneurship programs to make social innovation a campus-wide strategic goal. Among them is Tulane University, where a robust social innovation program includes School of Architecture faculty and students designing and building environmentally sustainable, affordable housing in the Ninth Ward. Tulane’s Urban Innovation Fellows program, through a partnership with the Rockefeller Foundation, provides a $45,000 stipend and mentorship to four fellows who spend a year crafting systemic change in the areas of urban revitalization, public education, health and economic redevelopment.

At the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business,  tides are changing despite the once heavy influence of “Chicago School” free-market libertarianism. According to professor Linda Darragh, entrepreneurship is the second largest concentration at Booth, and increasingly, students enter the program declaring that they want to work in educational and agricultural businesses. “They don’t want to be investment bankers and consultants,” Darragh says. “They really want to do something more.”

Last year, Booth’s annual New Venture Challenge—a business plan competition that promises financial support for the best entrants—spun off a separate Social New Venture Challenge for 20 teams of students to develop their enterprises. This fall, Booth, Northwestern and Northern Illinois University professors are launching Impact Engine, an accelerator that will offer eight to 12 companies $20,000 upfront seed capital and a 12-week program culminating in a pitch opportunity, Investor Day.

Accelerators: matching mentorship, seed capital, and great ideas

The inspiration for Impact Engine comes from two accelerators—Hub Ventures and Excelerate Labs—that are doing for social enterprise what Y Combinator has famously done in Silicon Valley, offering short-term, intensive programs to test young startups and provide the access to mentorship and investment to help them grow. “We decided to take what’s working in the tech space with the accelerator model and apply that to the social venture space,” says Hub Ventures director Wes Selke

San Francisco-based Hub Ventures matches 10 social impact startups with mentors and investors in 12-week cohorts, providing workshops and collaborative workspace at Hub Bay Area, and up to $20,000 seed funding—all in exchange for up to 7 percent equity stake in each company.

Chicago-based Excelerate Labs, soon entering its third cycle, matches 10 companies with mentors and investors in a 13-week summer program. Excelerate, though not focused solely on social enterprise, has worked with a number of social ventures. “We’re looking for the best companies we can find… the companies we think will grow, have the most impact, have the highest likelihood of success,” says co-founder Troy Henikoff. It just so happens that thus far, many businesses that meet those qualifications are trying to do so with a double-bottom line.

Mentorship and investment works. Power2Switch, an online service that helps people switch to renewable energy, reducing usage and costs, came out of Booth’s New Venture Challenge and later was accepted to Excelerate Labs. Co-founder Phil Nevels says going through each process helped the company refine its pitch and business model. Exposure to people they “needed to know”—investors, customers, future partners—translated into an ability to raise funds quickly. According to co-founder Seyi Fabode, Excelerate and Booth helped Power2Switch grow from a few hundred to a few thousand customers.

Ethan Austin, co-founder of the personal medical expense fundraising site GiveForward, says his company is on a completely different trajectory since Excelerate. In one day in January, GiveForward processed more transactions than it did in its entire first year of business before the program. Austin explains that now he’s able to pick up the phone and call mentors like Jeff Hoffman, founder of Priceline or Tim Krauskopf, “the guy who practically invented the internet… It's incredible how much faster your business can grow when you have really smart mentors who can guide you down the right path.”

For entrepreneurs looking for an even more intense experience, there is the Unreasonable Institute in Boulder, Colo. A rigorous application process and crowdfunding competition results in 25 companies embarking on a six-week stay in a borrowed sorority house where entrepreneurs actually live with the mentors and investors who have committed to accelerating their companies. (And yes, the process is filmed. Real TV, co-founder Daniel Epstein calls it "not reality TV.")

In many ways, universities offer the best long-term nurturing for early planning. For social entrepreneurs who’ve already flipped their tassels, competitive accelerators tend to offer the best resources because more traditional “incubators” (long-term business-growing homes for startups) have been slow to develop for social entrepreneurs. These accelerators provide crash courses and connections, but also a way to tap into the elusive impact investment world. Impact and angel investors are more willing to invest in companies that have been vetted by a solid accelerator or a competitive university program.  

Still, the equity upside for social enterprise is still very much unknown. “We don’t really have our Google or our Apple or our Facebook—household names that have excited and made investors a lot of money,” Selke says. “Until that happens, it will continue to be challenging.” 

Each Thursday, Sarah Stankorb examines the way social enterprise is changing business and creating positive impact.

Photo courtesy of Unreasonable Institute

The Alkaline Diet: Is There Evidence That an Alkaline pH Diet Benefits Health?

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2. The Role of pH in Various Cells, Organs, and Membranes

The pH in our body may vary considerably from one area to another with the highest acidity in the stomach (pH of 1.35 to 3.5) to aid in digestion and protect against opportunistic microbial organisms. But even in the stomach, the layer just outside the epithelium is quite basic to prevent mucosal injury. It has been suggested that decreased gastric lining secretion of bicarbonates and a decrease in the alkaline/acid secretion in duodenal ulcer patients may play a significant role in duodenal ulcers [11]. The skin is quite acidic (pH 4–6.5) to provide an acid mantle as a protective barrier to the environment against microbial overgrowth. There is a gradient from the outer horny layer (pH 4) to the basal layer (pH 6.9) [12]. This is also seen in the vagina where a pH of less than 4.7 protects against microbial overgrowth [13].

The urine may have a variable pH from acid to alkaline depending on the need for balancing the internal environment. Acid excretion in the urine can be estimated by a formula described by Remer (sulfate + chloride + 1.8x phosphate + organic acids) minus (sodium + potassium + 2x calcium + 2x magnesium) mEq [14]. Foods can be categorized by the potential renal acid loads (PRALs) see Table 2. Fruits, vegetables, fruit juices, potatoes, and alkali-rich and low phosphorus beverages (red and white wine, mineral soda waters) having a negative acid load. Whereas, grain products, meats, dairy products, fish, and alkali poor and low phosphorus beverages (e.g., pale beers, cocoa) have relatively high acid loads [15]. Measurement of pH of the urine (reviewed in a recent study with two morning specimens done over a five-year span) did not predict bone fractures or loss of bone mineral density [16]. However, this may not be reflective of being on an alkaline or acid diet throughout this time. For more details, see Table 1.

Table 2 Potential renal acid loads (PRALs) of selected foods [20].

Table 1 Ph of selected fluids, organs, and membranes.

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3. Chronic Acidosis and Bone Disease

Calcium in the form of phosphates and carbonates represents a large reservoir of base in our body. In response to an acid load such as the modern diet these salts are released into the systemic circulation to bring about pH homeostasis [7]. It has been estimated that the quantity of calcium lost in the urine with the modern diet over time could be as high as almost 480gm over 20 years or almost half the skeletal mass of calcium [21]. However, urinary losses of calcium are not a direct measure of osteoporosis. There are many regulatory factors that may compensate for the urinary calcium loss. When the arterial pH is in the normal range, a mild reduction of plasma bicarbonate results in a negative calcium balance which could benefit from supplementing bicarbonate in the form of potassium bicarbonate [22]. It has been found that bicarbonate, which increases the alkali content of a diet, but not potassium may attenuate bone loss in healthy older adults [23]. The bone minerals that are wasted in the urine may not have complete compensation through intestinal absorption, which is thought to result in osteoporosis. However, adequate vitamin D with a 25(OH)D level of >80nmol/L may allow for appropriate intestinal absorption of calcium and magnesium and phosphate when needed [24]. Sadly, most populations are generally deficient in vitamin D especially in northern climates [25]. In chronic renal failure, correction of metabolic acidosis with bicarbonate significantly improves parathyroid levels and levels of the active form of vitamin D 1,25(OH)2D₃ [26]. Recently, a study has shown the importance of phosphate in Remer’s PRAL formula. According to the formula it would be expected that an increase in phosphate should result in an increase in urinary calcium loss and a negative calcium balance in bone [27]. It should be noted that supplementation with phosphate in patients with bed rest reduced urinary calcium excretion but did not prevent bone loss [28]. The most recent systematic review and meta-analysis has shown that calcium balance is maintained and improved with phosphate which is quite contrary to the acid-ash hypothesis [29]. As well a recent study looking at soda intake (which has a significant amount of phosphate) and osteoporosis in postmenopausal American first nations women did not find a correlation [30]. It is quite possible that the high acid content according to Remer’s classification needs to be looked at again in light of compensatory phosphate intake. There is online information promoting an alkaline diet for bone health as well as a number of books. However, a recent systematic review of the literature looking for evidence supporting the alkaline diet for bone health found no protective role of dietary acid load in osteoporosis [31].

Another element of the modern diet is the excess of sodium in the diet. There is evidence that in healthy humans the increased sodium in the diet can predict the degree of hyperchloremic metabolic acidosis when consuming a net acid producing diet [32]. As well, there is evidence that there are adverse effects of sodium chloride in the aging population. A high sodium diet will exacerbate disuse-induced bone and muscle loss during immobilization by increasing bone resorption and protein wasting [33]. Excess dietary sodium has been shown to result in hypertension and osteoporosis in women [34, 35]. As well, dietary potassium which is lacking in the modern diet would modulate pressor and hypercalciuric effects of excess of sodium chloride [36].

Excess dietary protein with high acid renal load may decrease bone density if not buffered by ingestion of supplements or foods that are alkali rich [37]. However, adequate protein is necessary for prevention of osteoporosis and sarcopenia; therefore, increasing the amount of fruit and vegetables may be necessary rather than reducing protein [38].

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Alkaline diets favor lean tissue mass in older adults1,2,3,4

Alkaline diets favor lean tissue mass in older adults^1,2,3,4

Bess Dawson-Hughes, Susan S Harris, and Lisa Ceglia

¹From the Jean Mayer US Department of Agriculture Human Nutrition Research Center on Aging at Tufts University, Boston, MA.

⁴Reprints not available. Address correspondence to B Dawson-Hughes, Jean Mayer USDA HNRCA at Tufts University, 711 Washington Street, Boston, MA 02111. E-mail: bess.dawson-hughes@tufts.edu

The publisher’s final edited version of this article is available free at Am J Clin Nutr

See other articles in PMC that cite the published article.

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RESULTS

The clinical and laboratory characteristics of the 384 subjects are shown in Table 1. The group was of relatively high socioeconomic status, as indicated by their level of education. Over the 3-y study, 48.4% of the subjects were treated with calcium and vitamin D, and the remainder received placebo. Mean creatinine clearance was 86.5 ± 20.9 mL/min, but 28 subjects had clearance rates < 60 mL/min.

TABLE 1 Baseline clinical and laboratory characteristics of study subjects1

Protein intake was not assessed at baseline but, at the 18-mo visit, the mean ± SD value was 80.0 ± 29.4 g/d (n = 339). Also at the 18-mo visit, mean potassium intake was 3540 ± 1196 mg/d (range: 1062-10 698 mg/d). Fruit (25.9%) and vegetables (18.7%) were the 2 major sources, accounting for 44.6% of total potassium intake. Other components were grains and starches (16.5%), dairy (14.4%), meat and eggs (12.0%), beverages (7.4%), and sweets (5.0%). Urinary potassium was significantly correlated with LBM (r = 0.34, P < 0.001) but not with fat tissue mass (r = 0.00, P = 1.0).

Urinary potassium and percentage lean body mass at baseline

Variables associated with both potassium excretion and %LBM were considered as potential confounders of the association between potassium and %LBM. Continuous variables in this category were identified by computing their partial correlations, after adjustment for sex, with potassium and %LBM (Table 2). Weight and nitrogen excretion clearly needed to be adjusted for because of a strong correlation with %LBM (weight) or potassium excretion (nitrogen) and at least a weak association with the other variable (ie, %LBM or nitrogen). Results of regression analyses in which only these 2 variables and sex are adjusted for, the “minimally adjusted” model, are shown in Table 3 (model 2). In a third, “fully adjusted” model, we also adjusted for variables that were correlated (r = ≥0.08) with potassium excretion only (ie, creatinine clearance and activity score) or %LBM only (ie, age and 25-hydrovitamin D), even if those correlations were not significant at the 0.05 level. Finally, we added the use of diuretics (yes or no) to this model because diuretic users had significantly P = 0.045) lower %LBM than did nonusers (58.9 ± 7.2 and 61.6 ± 8.3, respectively). As expected from the way those factors were selected, adjustment for sex, body weight, and nitrogen excretion had an important effect on the regression coefficient for potassium excretion (change from model 1 to model 2), but further adjustments did not (change from model 2 to model 3).

TABLE 2 Sex-adjusted correlations of potential confounders with potassium excretion and percentage lean body mass (%LBM)1

TABLE 3 Regressions of percentage lean body mass on urinary potassium excretion1

There was no significant interaction with nitrogen in the association of urinary potassium with %LBM (P for interaction = 0.861). Urinary potassium and nitrogen were positively correlated (r = 0.524, P < 0.001). The association of potassium with %LBM in the men and the women, divided into quartiles of adjusted mean potassium (adjustments in model 2), is shown in Figure 1. Although men had greater %LBM than the women, the association of potassium with %LBM did not differ significantly between the men and the women.

FIGURE 1 Associations between quartile of potassium excretion and percentage lean body mass after adjustment for weight and nitrogen excretion in the 172 men (■) and 212 women (○). The quartile boundaries of potassium excretion were 52.3, 64.9, (more …)

Urinary potassium and 3-y change in percentage lean body mass

The 24-h urinary potassium was not significantly associated with 3-y change in %LBM either before or after adjustment for sex, weight, baseline LBM, nitrogen excretion, and treatment group (β = 0.001, P = 0.910). Baseline urinary nitrogen also was not significantly associated with 3-y change in %LBM (β < 0.001, P = 0.987).

Over the 3-y study period, weight measured by digital scale decreased by 0.60 ± 3.93 kg, and the change did not differ significantly between the 2 treatment groups. Over the same period, DXA-measured total tissue weight increased by 0.47 ± 3.9 kg. Weights obtained by these 2 measurements were highly correlated (r = 0.933, P < 0.001). LBM increased by 1.38 ± 1.66 kg, and %LBM increased by 2.6 ± 3.6%.

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Happiness Is Not For Wimps

Photo by Yan R.

By Ken Wert

“When I am happy, I see the happiness in others. When I am depressed, I notice that people’s eyes look sad. When I am weary, I see the world as boring and unattractive.” ~ Steve Chandler

Happiness is not a quality easily had by those who fear challenge and difficulty. Happiness, as a matter of fact, can require quite a bit from us if we would develop those traits that produce it at its highest potential.

In other words, happiness is not for the squeamish. It requires us to get our hands dirty in the ditches and mountain sides of life. It requires us to climb and learn and overcome and develop in ways that are not always easy. Here are four reasons happiness is not for wimps:

1. Happiness requires Humility

What it means: Humble people are teachable. They can bend and adapt as they come to see better ways of doing things. They haven’t been made brittle by the calcification of pride.

Why it’s hard: Pride is a stubborn characteristic. It solidifies us around positions and beliefs and ways of doing things. It prevents growth because it claims already to be fully formed, all-knowing and always right. Acquiring humility requires softening pride enough to crack its hard exterior. Such cracks can be humbling events, and often very painful.

How it helps: Humility is to happiness what a gym membership is to health. The gym membership will do nothing for your health if you stay home. But it’s a key to a door that opens you to the equipment and classes that can add greatly to your health and wellness if used regularly.

Humility is that same key to that same door to the personal developmental gym of life. It opens us to self-analysis, allowing us to see and admit to shortcomings and flaws that muck up the gears to happy living. It also opens us to learning from life and from the trials we experience and from other people too – all essential elements to a deep abiding sort of happiness.

2. Happiness requires moving in and out of Comfort Zones

What it means: The old truism holds true for happiness as for everything else: If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got. To increase happiness, changes have to occur, habits have to be formed, unformed and reformed.

Why it’s hard: We can get so used to doing things the way we’ve always done them that the force necessary to course correct can be very difficult to sustain. February is littered with the corpses of broken promises made in January. Sustained change is simply difficult for most people to keep up. Certainly there are ways of making improvements easier, but even acquiring and implementing those techniques and attitudes require effort and will and self-discipline. Steps have to be taken to learn and implement them, after all.

How it helps: Comfort zones are formed around activities repeated over time. They are the result of routine and sameness. The problem is that you can’t grow anything by continuing to do what you’ve always done. Stagnation cannot produce joy. Happiness, on the other hand, is partially the result of personal growth and development, of evolving from where you are to where you can be. There is joy in the process of closing the gap between you and your potential.

3. Happiness requires overcoming Selfishness

What it means: It is front and center at almost every divorce and is locked behind bars with every inmate. It is heart and soul of every act of fraud and theft and tyranny and oppression. It regards the self over others. It wants and grabs and takes. It seeks its own over what’s right. It sacrifices decency and compassion and love at the altar of self-indulgence.

Why it’s hard: Selfishness is the universal character flaw. It permeates the lives of almost all people to varying degrees. It lives in human nature and boils over in a culture that celebrates self-aggrandizement. Children are masters of it and is the natural order of things unless and until we are taught to be otherwise. Selfishness does not need to be taught. But compassion does.

How it helps: One of the great ironies to personal development is that the more we focus on ourselves, the further happiness drifts from us. But by losing ourselves in service to others, the more we find our true inner selves. By hoarding, we lose. By giving, we gain so much more than we give.

4. Happiness requires retraining Thoughts

What it means: Our thoughts create our reality. If we dwell on the ugly and the corrupt, on the negative and salacious, we sink in the thick liquid of anger and disillusionment and frustration, cynicism and despair.

Why it’s hard: Bad habits are hard to break. Good ones are hard to acquire. They require consistency which is hard to sustain. Habitual thoughts are harder still because they are such subtle things, sneaking in when we are not looking. Retraining our thoughts takes constant vigilance and commitment. It requires monitoring our feelings as the barometer of our thoughts and our words as the indicator of what and how we think.

How it helps: As we think, so are we. If I think life is unfair and cold and vindictive, I will feel that reality. But if I think life is an adventurous joy, that the challenges of life are meant for my good, that it is my task to figure out how life is trying to guide and direct my path, then the attitudinal reality will be completely different. And so will the level of happiness available to me.

So Now What?

In order to have a life of growth and happiness, you must be vigilant in recognizing and overcoming the obstacles life and human nature place in the way. As you learn to recognize the trouble spots, take steps to build your ability to transcend them. Develop the characteristics that break down those obstacles.

But how?

Set goals. Make them small and incremental. Take small but regular steps toward the needed improvement. Don’t get overwhelmed by the amount of work you may have. Set the smaller goals and focus there. One or two at a time is usually plenty. The big picture will come as you lay the smaller bricks.

Will Smith’s dad once took Will and his brother to his store to rebuild a brick wall he had torn down. Will was 12 and his brother was nine at the time. They complained it was an impossible task for two so young. It took a year and a half to finish, as a matter of fact. But when they were done, their dad looked at them and said, “Now don’t you ever tell me that there’s something that you can’t do.”

They learned the lesson of one-brick-at-a-time. We can build amazing lives of deep and lasting happiness much the same way.

And in the meantime?

Enjoy the journey! Happiness doesn’t need to wait at life’s finish line of life. You can take it with you as you build happiness upon happiness, one character trait, one practice, one habit and one principle one brick at a time.

Your Turn

What other obstacles have I missed to living a life of happiness?

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19-Hour Food Network Running Diary: The Whole Thing and Various Conclusions

This piece first appeared in 2009. Happy New Year!

This past Wednesday, I watched an entire broadcast day of the Food Network and blogged about it. Then I slept for 67 straight hours.

The experience changed some ways I felt about FN, and reinforced others. For one thing, I always assumed The Powers That Be didn’t pay attention to financial matters, which they clearly do. There weren’t any outrageously expensive dishes all day, and some shows (Throwdown, 30-Minute Meals) made a point of frugality.

On the other hand, I thought FN would give a modicum of time to healthy cooking, and it just wasn’t there. Bobby Flay’s fruit marinades were the closest anyone came to nutritionally-minded meals. Granted, it’s Christmas, which tends to highlight baking and various indulgences, but when Paula Deen chops the only pepper of the day, you know we’re in trouble.

Finally, I thought there would be more 3/4-sleeve sweaters. Turns out, the chefs prefer long sleeves rolled up. (Except Giada. You can always count on Giada.)

The whole thing is attached below, in chronological order from 9:30am to 5am the next morning. You can see I fell into a coma during Food Network Challenge, but revived just in time for Paula’s Cookie Swap. It’s the important things, you know?

Anyway, here goes. Merry Christmas.

9:30am
THE SHOW: Nigella’s Christmas Kitchen
THE HOST: British cook/woman I’d date if I went that way, Nigella Lawson
THE CONCEPT: homemade Christmas gifts

9:32am
Nigella is sploshing cider vinegar into sugar. I enjoy sploshing. Someday, I hope to splosh my way into college.

9:35am
Nigella’s casual vocabulary is my favorite. She’s making jam, and has described it as “fiery crimson” and “volcanically boiling.” This is the stuff that goes with peanut butter, right?

9:37am
This entire show is candlelit and set to saxophone jazz. I think Food Network is trying to seduce me.

9:40am
“Let Dad school you with a vertical rotisserie.” is a sentence I never hoped to hear, in a commercial or otherwise.

9:43am
A Nigella haiku:
Oh, metric system
You make baking funny with
your grams and liters

9:45am
Nigella’s cake batter is “perfectly plain, but anything but austere.” Husband-Elect just kissed me goodbye and went to work. Are these related somehow?

9:47am
Unconsidered when planning 19-hour blogging marathon: when do I go to the bathroom?

9:50am
Her strata is (direct quote): “Like a toasted cheese sandwich, but a celestial one, as if eaten by angels.” If heaven is filled with grilled cheese sandwiches, I will feel a lot better about death.

9:52am
It’s not even time for Price is Right, and Nigella’s guests are eating Christmas tree cakes and getting sploshed on espresso martinis. I want to go to there.

9:54am
We’re up to fully loaded baked potatoes. Cooked by candlelight, naturally. I’ve never been attracted to a potato before today, but somehow, Nigella is making them look sexy. Maybe because she just “splodged” them with sour cream, and now – I swear to god – is “forking them together.”

9:58am
Nigella ends the show scarfing potatoes on a crimson couch by a roaring fire, while angels play smooth jazz in the background. This is a Luther Vandross video.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nothing too expensive here
HEALTH QUOTIENT: We’ll let it slide. It’s a Christmas show.
VERDICT: 10/10, for sexiness

10:00am
THE SHOW: Emeril Live!
THE HOST: Emeril Lagasse
THE CONCEPT: The godfather of TV cheffery hosts a cooking show in front of a live audience, says “BAM” a lot. There’s a band, too.

10:05am
The theme of the show is cheese. I can get behind this.

10:06am
First tip, from an at-home video segment with a blonde mom: “Never walk away from your pine nuts.” Truer words, never spoken. How many times have I set them to toast and sniffed the air three minutes later all like, “What’s burning?”

10:08am
We’re watching a split screen of the blonde mom and Emeril blending a dressing. It’s still more interesting than golf.

10:11am
Speaking of golf, what happens now that Tiger is in the permanent doghouse? I imagine curling will finally have its day as THE sport for people who don’t like sudden movements.

10:16am
Emeril is running a “Say Cheese” recipe contest. Pam from Maryland is a winner, and she reminds me of every nurse or teacher’s assistant I’ve ever met. Pam is using crab in her macaroni and cheese, which “kicks [it] up to notches unknown.” NOTCHES UNKNOWN.

10:18am
Emeril is both a “spoon guy” and a “whisk fan.” Can you be both? Is that like rooting for the Yankees and the Mets?

10:20am
Augh! The vertical rotisserie ad is back so “Dad” can school us some more. I think I’ve found my nemesis for the day.

10:23am
Bathroom dilemma, solved. Thank god for commercials. Did you guys need to know that? Also of note: my computer is resting on a hummus tub so the bottom won’t overheat. In Brooklyn, we work with what we have, folks.

10:27am
Emeril is stirring white-gray crabmeat into a yellow-gray macaroni and cheese mixture. You know that scene in Empire Strikes Back, when Han makes Luke a bed out of TonTon intestines? It looks like that. Which is okay, because sometimes ugly food is the best food. (See: eggplant.)

10:30am
Re: Emeril’s accent. He’s from Boston, right? Because it sounds so Brooklyn sometimes, I imagine him selling me knockoff sunglasses on the corner by the Halal Chinese Food place.

10:32am
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #437: take a shot every time you wonder how a food show can pay for a full band. You’ll be sploshed inside an hour.

10:33am
Emeril is making tamales con queso, and keeps asking for “lahwd.” I wondered why he would be using the lord in his cooking, until it occurred to me that he’s saying “lard.”

10:37am
Another ugly-but-delicious food: refried beans. We can all agree it looks like baby puke, right?

10:40am
As Emeril rolls his second tamale, I find my mind wandering to faraway places. Like Morocco. Were fez hats just decorative, or did they have a purpose? They don’t shade the eyes or protect the head very well, so I’m figuring they were invented for aesthetic purposes. In a related story, I think it’s time for some coffee.

10:43am
Time for a multiple choice question! What kind of degree does Doc Gibbs have?
A) Funkiness MD
B) A PhD in smoothosity
C) A doctorate in jazz hands
D) Gastroenterology

10:46am
Holly from Ohio is the next winner of Emeril’s Say Cheese contest, and she has a very, very red kitchen. Like, all her appliances and countertops are a fiery crimson. Wouldn’t that make you angry when you’re cooking? Like you’re in Hell’s Kitchen? “Don’t TALK TO ME when I’m making CHEESECAKE, DAMMIT!”

10:49am
Can I tell you how much I love it when Emeril adds alcohol to recipes? Everyone in the audience cheers like crazy, as if to say, “WOO! This flan is gonna get us totally sploshed!”

10:52am
Have you seen the ice cream sandwich bench? It’s $950, though if Trading Spaces has taught me anything, you can make it at home with $15.62 and a bedsheet.

10:55am
Emeril’s jacket has remained perfectly clean through the entire show, despite making salad, mac and cheese, tamales con queso, and cheesecake. No mess at all. I would look like Pizza the Hut after a day like that.

10:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: a shocking 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: good – salad and tamales are pretty cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nada, though points for trying with the salad
VERDICT: 7/10, for gratuitous shots of blending.

11:01am
THE SHOW: Easy Entertaining
THE HOST: Michael Chiarello
THE CONCEPT: “Formal fare in your formalwear.” Clever boy.

11:04am
So far, this is an onion- and beet-heavy show. Not kid food, apparently. In first grade, either of those words would have thrown me into total gag reflex failure.

11:09am
Coffee procured! Urge to kill … fading.

11:10am
Chiarello isn’t wearing a 3/4-sleeve sweater, but his pullover sleeves are rolled up to just under the elbow. Does that count?

11:12am
Currently, he’s adding a TON of ground fennel to already fennel-heavy roast. Moderate amounts of fennel are always appreciated, but this looks like it’s going to taste like a bag of black licorice exploded in your mouth.

11:13am
Up next: a Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu. I have never heard a finer collection of words. (P.S. Did you know “tiramisu” means “pick me up”? Me neither. Thanks, Mike!)

11:15am
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #5739: Drink whenever a host claims he/she is “going somewhere,” “checking the market out,” or “has some errands to run” during the commercial break. We know you need more than four minutes to hit up the orchard, Chiarello.

11:19am
While I like Michael Chiarello, he suffers a bit from John Kerry Syndrome: you know he’s totally great at what he does, but you don’t necessarily want to have a beer with him.

11:23am
He just poured about a cup of red wine into risotto, making it look like brains. Delicious, delicious brains. Again, the ugly/tasty paradox has been proven.

11:27am
Why don’t the Food Network hosts ever wash their own pots and pans? They should have a show made up entirely of Ina Garten and Bobby Flay doing dishes. I guarantee it would be a ratings winner.

11:30am
End of show. How you know: the wine comes out, and Mike changes into a red t-shirt under a charcoal grey blazer. Very Napa.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1/2
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 8/10, for Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and general attractiveness

11:31am
THE SHOW: Quick Fix Meals
THE HOST: Robin Miller
THE CONCEPT: Week-long dinners for busy families, with Oprah-esque theme song.

11:32am
Robin is searing some scallops, and she just poured a dang gallon of olive oil into a large skillet. Look, I know olive oil is one of the healthier cooking fats, but 1/4 cup per serving doesn’t do anyone any good. (Now getting off my high horse before I hurt myself.)

11:36am
Robin is having a tough time lifting her skillet. I can relate, having the upper body strength of a fetal chihuahua.

11:43am
We’ve moved on to Mexican fondue, meaning cheese, spinach, artichokes, and salsa melted together. I’m still deciding how I feel about this. Also: “take it to a whole new level” should be retired permanently, as should “outside the box.”

11:45am
Once and for all: is cumin pronounced “keeyou-min” or “coo-min”?

11:50am
Good tip from Robin: make vinaigrettes and dressings in the bottom of the salad bowl, then toss everything afterward.

11:52am
Chopping montage! In general, wouldn’t cooking would be much more awesome if all our chopping was set to Michael Jackson? Here, try it.

11:58am
Robin blended strawberries and yogurt, and I thought for sure it was going to be a smoothie. But she poured it in a bowl, so now it’s a soup. If she poured it in a votive glass, would it be a candle?

11:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 (it was full-length)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high – nothing was outrageous
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low – I question serving some of these to kids as dinner
VERDICT: 6/10, for questionable usage of vessels

12:00pm
THE SHOW: Paula’s Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, y’all!
THE CONCEPT: Today, it’s cookies. But most days, it’s butter. Just butter.

12:04pm
How you can tell this is an early episode: wrinkles, natural lighting, no cackling, zero appearances by Bobby and Jamie. I miss the cackling, y’all.

12:06pm
Analogy time!
Paula Deen is to Fantasy Grandma as George Clooney is to _______.
A) Fantasy Boyfriend
B) Fantasy Shortstop
C) Fantasy Island

12:12pm
Paula’s making Gingerbread Men, and “when we come back, I’m gonna show you how we bring these little [guys] to life.” This is going to involve lightning and tiny brain transplants, isn’t it?

12:19pm
Edit – Paula is making gingerbread men AND women. Later, they will create gingerbread babies together, unless they use gingerbread prophylactics.

12:23pm
Gingerbread Michael (Paula’s husband) has white chest hair, a mohawk, and appears to be wearing a diaper. How does Real Michael feel about this?

12:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though her blouse has shorter sleeves, y’all
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high, y’all
HEALTH QUOTIENT: super, super low, y’all
VERDICT: 9/10, for gentility, y’all

12:31pm
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: Hot, talented chef makes authentic Italian dishes and funny tasting faces.

12:32pm
Giada starts out with panna cotta, or translated, “there’s a cot in my pan.”

12:34pm
My Ma is as Irishiest of Irish ladies, but insists on pronouncing Latin and Italian foods as they would be in the native language. This means “mozzarella” is “mooz-a-dell” and “parmesan” is “parrrr-mi-jhan.” Giada also does this. Giada is my Ma.

12:37pm
Giada is frying some oysters. When she’s done, they will be “sweet and tender, which is how your date will act after he eats them.” I assume this means my date will also be breaded and covered in marinara sauce.

12:42pm
Giada’s “this is so good” claw: check.
Giada’s tasting O-face: check.
Still waiting for first pronunciation of “pan-CHET-tha.”

12:46pm
This is the 37 millionth time the Le Cordon Bleu commercial is airing, and it’s only 12:46. If I hear, “Get your career cooking … LITERALLY!” one more time, I will literally jump through the TV and broil that guy.

12:48pm
Champagne Risotto with Asparagus is G’s next date night recipe. (P.S. The theme of this show is “Date Night.” Now you know.) Served with Chiarello’s Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and Nigella’s Espresso Martini, there is a 100% chance you will be pregnant by the end of the night.

12:51pm
I love that PR folks think well enough of CHG to send us offers, but … uh … my name is Kristen. Not Christine. And I don’t have kids. And I hate mayonnaise. Just sayin’.

12:57pm
For dessert, it’s Raspberry Limoncello Champagne and an Espresso Panna Cotta. Forget plain ol’ pregnancy. These will get you a Duggar-style reality show on TLC.

12:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1 (You can always count on Giada.)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium; risotto is cheaper than you think
HEALTH QUOTIENT: pretty low
VERDICT: 10/10, for much-appreciated gratuitous use of champagne

1:00pm
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: A nice woman from Western New York makes a meal in an unmentioned allotment of time.

1:03pm
Rachael is making sausage, and her accent (“sah-sidge”) is making me miss my friends in Rochester and Buffalo. (*sniff*) You guys, lean ground chicken breast reminds me of you.

1:06pm
Whenever RR asks us to “eyeball” something, I picture pouring the item (fennel, cloves, oil, etc.) on our actual eyeballs. This is not the intended meaning, I understand, but … need more coffee.

1:11pm
We’re having “ahh-some wanh-ffles” here everybody, but not before we eyeball the molasses.

1:14pm
A haiku for Rachael:
You carry so much
but is that nutmeg ever
a burden too heavy?

1:19pm
Rachael is excellent at remaining upbeat. When you’re makin’ TV, it’s really, really tough to turn on the cheer when you’re not feeling it. But she manages. I dig that.

1:21pm
Toffee Hot Cocoa was just described as “SUPER delicious.” Just once, I want a TV chef to say, “You know what? It’s a broccoli recipe. It tastes slightly better than burlap, but if we don’t get some veggies in our diets, we’ll die.”

1:26pm
On a related note, do you ever wonder if RR narrates her everyday movements when she’s at home? “Well, I’m goin’ to pick up my toothpaste like this. Awesome! Then I’m going to grab my toothbrush like this. Yummo! Now I’m gonna bring it up to my mouth, and run it back and forth across my teeth. All right! And we end by spitting the froth into the sink. Big finish!”

1:28pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though the sleeves of her regular sweater were rolled up
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: negative numbers
VERDICT: 7/10, for too many “yummos’

1:31pm
THE SHOW: Barefoot Contessa! WOOOO!
THE HOST: the lovely Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: incredible food served by a woman you want to hang out with ALL THE TIME

1:32pm
She’s making chocolate gelato. For Jeffrey, of course. CURSE YOU, JEFFREY!

1:34pm
Husband-Elect, are you reading this? If so, can we go to Ina’s kitchen for our honeymoon? I will let you have the Gandalf ice carving if you say yes.

1:36pm
Ina is wearing a black button-down instead of her usual denim one. If you’re not a regular viewer, this means nothing to you, but if you are, it’s a plot twist on par with The Sixth Sense.

1:40pm
Ina is visiting her fishmonger. I like to picture her being personal friends with her various mongers, and at the end of every year, they all have a giant monger party. Where they mong, presumably.

1:42pm
She is now making lobster pot pies. I was taught to appreciate fresh-from-the-animal lobster meat from a very young age, and always hesitate to use it in any recipe. I mean, what if I mess it up? And why would I want to dilute lobster flavor? But I’m going with this, Ina. I trust you. Be careful with my heart.

1:49pm
Ina wants us to place pastry dough in the fridge for 30 minutes “to chill and relax.” Unmentioned: “to light up some doobage and listen to Steve Miller albums on shuffle.”

1:51pm
The lobster pies were just dubbed “rustic.” In cooking, is “rustic” a synonym for “messy”? If so, my apartment is very rustic.

1:57pm
Jeffrey is playing a trick on Ina, to make her think he ate all the food. This is cruel and unnecessary. Also, I don’t know how to spell “unnecessary.”

1:58pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: er … pretty low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: um … also low
VERDICT: 10/10. It’s Ina, and dissent will not be tolerated.

2:01pm
THE SHOW: Semi-Homemade … you knew it was coming.
THE HOST: Sandra Lee
THE CONCEPT: 70% store-bought ingredients, 30% fresh ingredients, 100% yarg.

2:02pm
The theme is wisteria. So naturally, the first dish is a Fig and Goat Cheese Quesadilla. Leave your logic at the door, ladies and germs.

2:05pm
Aunt Sandy’s hair is styled very Farrah Fawcettly. Which brings another question to mind: when I don’t wear my hair back when I cook, it gets in the food. (Mmm … hair chili.) Is this a concern of TV chefs?

2:10pm
“I want to talk to you about making great potato salad without all the work.” She is starting with pre-cooked potatoes already seasoned with rosemary and garlic. This is like saying, “The first step is making an awesome cake is to buy an awesome cake.”

2:12pm
On microwaving the potatoes: “You didn’t have to do any of that peeling, any of that monkey business.” I think she just compared potato peeling to sex. I guess both are dirty? And can take a few minutes? And at the end, you get delicious fries?

2:21pm
Sandra is spooning hot apricots on to a delicate cream. You can see the cream itself dissolving as this happens. It looks like, in the following shot, the desserts have been replaced with new ones. I can’t say for sure this happened, but I think it happened.

2:26pm
Multiple choice question time! Sandra is currently:
A) Showing us a tablescape with a three-foot, 30+ pound vase of flowers at the center.
B) Showing us ANOTHER new plate of those apricot cream desserts.
C) Showing us the molecular representation of sodium chloride.

2:29pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0. It was a lavender blouse.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 5/10, for unexpected attention paid to health and frugality, but also making a potato salad out of a potato salad.

2:31pm
THE SHOW: Boy Meets Grill
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobby Flay and a grill in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

2:33pm
Bobby’s background music sounds like the chillout room at a ’90s rave. We have fallen into a K-hole of flavor, everyone.

2:35pm
Unexpected, terrifying glitch with Blogger, seemingly overcome for now. If it craps out 10 hours into the marathon, I will go on a killing spree.

2:40pm
If Bobby wasn’t a cook, he’d be a ballplayer – probably a journeyman outfielder with a .270 average and 15 or 20 home runs a year. Fans would like him because he shows up early to practice, and managers respect him for his knowledge of the game. Three years after retiring, he’d take a job managing Double A, where he’d stay until the majors call him up in his mid-50s. After a few years as a hitting coach, he’d get the full-time manager’s job and win the World Series within three years. He’d always have a secret love of mango salsa, but would’t know why.

2:45pm
Chickpea Polenta, which Mr. Flay is making, is something I would like to eat right now. In my mouth. With my teeth and gums.

2:51pm
Bobby is now mixing figs and red peppers in a delectable-sounding marinade. However, it looks like Buffalo Bill’s bathtub in Silence of the Lambs. “It puts the marinade on the skin or it gets the hose again.”

2:57pm
Random people show up on Bobby’s rooftop to eat. If only such deliciousness was waiting at the top of every NYC fire escape, instead of the tar paper and Wire-style Mexican standoffs that are usually there.

2:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though Bobby’s sleeves were rolled up.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-low; steak is pricey, yo
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium; points for lots of fresh produce
VERDICT: 8/10, for the creative use of fruit and being able to smell the grill smoke all the way in my apartment.

3:01pm
THE SHOW: Guy’s Big Bite
THE HOST: Guy Fieri (pronounced “Bob Jones-Smith”)
THE CONCEPT: Huge freaking food for giant freaking guys.

3:02pm
The More You Know: I’m wearing no makeup, ill-fitting jeans and my beloved hooded sweatshirt, Big Green. If anyone saw me right now, they’d immediately turn to stone.

3:03pm
Props to Guy: he doesn’t settle for saying an ingredient “will make this taste great!” He explains why you add certain seasonings and why you cook food a specific way. And he uses way less “Dude! This onion is radical awesome gnarly, bro!” than I thought he would.

3:09pm
He’s explaining why he didn’t salt Kalamata Couscous ahead of time: “because I wasn’t sure what the olives would bring to it.” This is the kind of information I want from a cooking show. From Guy Fieri. Who knew? (Also, it helps that he’s making dolma [stuffed grape leaves], one of my all-time favorite foods.)

3:12pm
I’m calling it: TV chefs calling pieces of food “bad boys” is officially over. Stuffed grape leaves are delicious, not delinquent.

3:14pm
Return of the rotisserie ad dad! He reminds me of Prince Humperdinck from Princess Bride. Somewhere (Gilder), a village is missing its cowardly noble.

3:20pm
Guy’s dolmas are “doing time” in the oven. 15 to 20 for assault and grand theft auto, to be specific. Maybe they ARE bad boys.

3:22pm
There is no elegant way to talk, whisk furiously, and sound composed at the same time. Everyone’s voice rattles like they’re riding a vacuum cleaner.

3:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 – again, the rolled-up sleeve dominates
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-high, dude
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium, bro
VERDICT: 9/10, for being unexpectedly pretty great, dudebro

3:30pm
THE SHOW: Tyler’s Ultimate
THE HOST: Tyler Florence
THE CONCEPT: Tyler shows us how to make a classic dish in the best possible way.

3:31pm
Tyler is kicking the show off by berating a rubber chicken. This is gonna be good.

3:33pm
Ack. He just called all-purpose flour “A.P.” (Or, “apey.”) How you know when acronyms don’t work: when they sound like another, more disgusting word.

3:36pm
“What would life be without bacon?” Tyler asks. A futile existence, my friend. A futile existence indeed.

3:42pm
Tyler is making Coq au Vin, and his lapel mic is picking up the sound of sizzling every time he gets near his Dutch oven. You can hardly hear him above the noise, and it’s kind of hilarious.

3:48pm
Also of note: Tyler hits food a lot, as in, “We’re gonna hit this with Cognac.” and “I’m gonna hit this with Herbs de Provence.” No lie, he just said it like, six times. Food abuse!

3:52pm
“Boom!” is another one he’s uttered about 70 different times. Methinks Tyler Florence is actually Guy Fieri, and Guy Fieri was replaced with a lookalike English teacher. Up is down, left is right, people!

3:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 – rolled up sleeves again.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 7/10 – it’s been over for a minute, and I barely remember it. There was a rubber chicken, right? (Is that mean? I don’t want to be mean. I actually like Tyler a lot.)

4:01pm
THE SHOW: Cooking for Real
THE HOST: Sunny Anderson
THE CONCEPT: Cooking, really. For real. With realness.

4:04pm
Sunny’s telling us about her tattoo. True story: in college, I was out with a friend, and came fairly close to getting the Chinese symbol for moon tattooed on my lower back. I decided not to, went home and told my dad about it. His response: “So, let me get this straight. You were about to get a MOON tattoo two inches above your ass?” I have never been tempted by tattoos again.

4:09pm
Fill in the blank time!
“Flauta” is the Spanish word for ______:
A) flute
B) to flout or express disdain
C) flatulence
D) ex-Bills quarterback Doug Flutie

4:12pm
The last three – possibly four – shows have involved tempering/whisking eggs into a hot mixture. Is that intentional? Does Food Network pick really specific themes like that? Today, it’s tempering eggs. Tomorrow, it’s grinding coriander. The day after that, it’s sectioning a lemon on a snowy day if you live in a state ending with the letter “O.”

4:20pm
Heh. It’s 4:20.

4:24pm
19 hours of straight blogging, and there will be no Ace of Cakes. The lack of Duffness depresses and frightens me. So I will look at this dog making cookies to cheer me up.

4:25pm
Sunny is a very sunny person, yes? If she was named Frowny, this would be an entirely different show.

4:26pm
She’s making Mexican soda! The bodegas in my neighborhood have these, and the colors are insane. They’re like drinking a B-52s album.

4:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nada – cute short-sleeved pink top
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low – flautas were deep fried
VERDICT: 7.5/10, for the fact that I want Mexican food now

4:30pm
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: This episode, Giads makes easy Italian-style cookies.

4:31pm
Giada just described a “decadent and deliciously adult cookie,” meaning the next half hour will see her either making Florentines or directing a porno.

4:34pm
Didn’t this woman just have a baby? How does she still look like a tiny Italian hourglass? (*curses the heavens*)

4:37pm
A Giada haiku:
Little big head chef
makes cookie log so pretty
we forget claw hand

4:44pm
We live down the block from a pizza place that sells single slices in individual boxes. Our front stoop has become the garbage pail for the neighborhood kids, all of whom buy one on the way from school to the subway. Short of water guns, how do I solve this problem?

4:50pm
Giada is rolling out dough, and trying to fill the time with words. “I’m rolling out the dough. Rolling. Rolling. Uh … more rolling. Hm. Nice day today, right? How ’bout them Mets? More rolling.”

4:57pm
Giada is hosting a cookie tasting party, and her friends and family are all abnormally hot. This is probably because they usually have asparagus tasting parties.

5:00pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1! Finally! I thought I was taking crazy pills.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high – baking is cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low – it’s a cookie show, man
VERDICT: 8/10 – for having biscotti that looks like it might actually be very good

5:01pm
THE SHOW: Barefoot Contessa
THE HOST: Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: For this episode, it’s treats for people and their dogs.

5:02pm
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #83892: chug every time a TV chef adds nebulous “flavor,” without describing the qualities of said flavor. Ex: “This cupcake could use more flavor.” “Potatoes are great when they have flavor.” “My socks have a flavor.”

5:04pm
Remember, like, four hours ago? When Sandra Lee made potato salad using potato salad? Ina don’t play that way. She’s got her Adidas and Kangol on, she has her ghetto blaster turned to 11, and she’s cooking those dope spuds from scratch. Word.

5:09pm
Ina has chopped at least three large onions, and is visibly tearing up. That’s no good. I will kill the onion that makes Ina cry. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED, ONIONS.

5:11pm
A chocolate sheetcake is in the process of being baked. Normally, this would sound awesome. But I don’t know if it’s good to combine dogs and chocolate in a party setting. Y’know? The pugs have one drink too many, then they start teasing the Boston terrier, and before you know it, all the shih-tzus have poisoned themselves. Party over.

5:19pm
The more I watch this show, the more I think Ina looks like my mom. Maybe this is why I like her so much, and why I keep asking her for money.

5:20pm
Did you know Ina used to work on U.S. nuclear policy in Washington? I think that’s why her recipes don’t bomb. (HAHAHAHAHA … sorry.)

5:26pm
Joe Lieberman is a terrible, terrible person. Just sayin’.

5:27pm
First the onions made Ina cry. Now she’s grilling on the beach, where it’s clearly windy and freezing. If she’s attacked by one of those labradoodles, I’m boycotting the Earth.

5:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: umm … look over there! A shiny thing!
VERDICT: 10/10, for the appearance of the StandMixer. If Barefoot Contessa is Cheers, the StandMixer is Norm.

5:31pm
THE SHOW: Down Home with the Neelys
THE HOST: Gina and Pat Neely
THE CONCEPT: A couple you might otherwise like is forced to yell as loudly as possible while making soul food.

5:36pm
There’s a guest! A brother of Pat’s! And I like him! He’s speaking with his inside voice, is why.

5:37pm
They’re smoking pork butts in the kitchen. We used to smoke butts in the kitchen in college. Then we smoked too many butts and had to quit. Smoking butts, I mean.

5:40pm
An analogy!
The Neelys are to total deafness as Kate Hudson romantic comedies are to _____.
A) brain damage
B) drooling
C) incontinence
D) all of the above

5:44pm
You know what? Maybe I’m looking at Down Home the wrong way. When I cook, it’s usually alone, and it’s usually quiet and methodical and relaxing. Others are more gregarious and make it more of a group activity. If that’s what the show is aiming for, it’s doing okay.

5:50pm
Brother Neely is making pulled pork, a secret diet food. By that, I mean: if you’re on a diet and find yourself at a barbecue joint, go for the pulled pork. It’s usually the lightest of all the meat choices, and you can customize the flavor with various sauces.

5:52pm
Liveblogging health update: nine hours in, my back is starting to get a little twingey. I call it Futon Spine.

5:56pm
Gina’s making margaritas. She’s into the tequila. We’re about to enter migraine territory.

5:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: barely visible from space
VERDICT: 4/10, for Pat’s brother and his ponytail.

6:01pm
THE SHOW: Paula’s Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, y’all
THE CONCEPT: This episode, it’s slow cooking.

6:02pm
BEAR WITNESS! Paula is chopping a vegetable, y’all! I’m already in contact with Washington and lobbying for a national holiday.

6:04pm
As a New Yorker, I have never had chicken fried steak. But I’ve also never had malaria. Is it worth it?

6:09pm
Paula melted half a stick of butter with several cups of grated cheddar cheese, dumped them into the crockpot, and spooned through it wearing an expression I can only describe as total human contentment. She is simultaneously delighting and scaring the crud out of me.

6:14pm
The show has stopped while Paula feeds the mac and cheese to the camera. I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

6:17pm
Limerick time!
There once was a lady named Paula,
“More buttah, y’all!” she would holla,
Her restaurant took off-o
And her show was so boff-o
She earned a million and one dolla.

6:22pm
Blueberry Peach Cobbler is distinctly American in a great way. Eating it with Swiss steak and macaroni and cheese is distinctly American a not-so-great way.

6:25pm
Paula says the cobbler requires some “one on one personal time.” Between her, Nigella, and Giada, this is the sexiest day of food programming in history.

6:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: infinitesimal
VERDICT: 8/10, for the face. I aspire to make that face someday.

6:30pm
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: Dunno. Never heard of it.

6:32pm
How you can tell this is late-period Rachael: much more eye makeup, shorter hair, increased fresh foods, better knife skills, a voice that’s clinging to audibility, motions exaggerated to the Nth power.

6:37pm
Rachael’s making gorgonzola-stuffed meatballs. If there were more recipes based on meat stuffed with cheese, we’d have world peace, a public health option, and money leftover for universal foot massages.

6:41pm
Fun fact: food commercials use women in their 20s to play the mothers of tweens and teenagers. While this is totally possible, it makes it seem like real-life mothers should look much younger than they actually are. Which isn’t cool.

6:49pm
Finally, something I can criticize without feeling terrible: Big Top Cupcake is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. IT’S A POINTY CAKE PAN, EVERYBODY.

6:52pm
I stand corrected. Micro S’mores is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

6:57pm
Rachael makes a good point: always pull the bay leaves out of your food. Who among has not forgotten, and ended up with a mouthful of pointy leaf? (Uh … anyone?)

6:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 7/10, for being easily distracted by BigTop Cupcake

7:00pm
Halfway done!

7:01pm
THE SHOW: Food Network Challenge – Edible Ornaments
THE HOST: The guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isn’t Guy Fieri
THE CONCEPT: Cakemakers are taking real trees and covering them with edible ornaments

7:03pm
Today’s competitors are three New Yorkers and a dude from L.A. whose “mother would cry if [the tree] wasn’t pretty enough.” Has mom trained him well enough? Will the New Yorkers bring their crowbars? Can everyone make nice flowers? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.

7:06pm
There is a shocking lack of Carrie Whats-her-face, the terrifying British judge that usually reduces the contestants to weeping piles of mushy goo. It’s going to be up to the guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isn’t Guy Fieri (TGWTGASHWIGF), and I don’t think he has the cojones.

7:10pm
Lisa Simpson is trying to find her way north, and Bart has a faucet stuck to his … damn, this isn’t the right channel.

7:11pm
Food Network brought in the contestants’ parents and siblings in as special assistants, and there is immediate friction between the Staten Island mother/daughter pair. I hope this doesn’t devolve into Jersey Shore-style shenanigans. There’s not enough spray tan in the world.

7:16pm
In New York, there’s a children’s behavioral adjustment program commercial that promises to fix your kid’s bad habits. One part claims it will even “turn your child’s attitude around in one minute or less.” Imagine the possibilities there. I imagine it will involve threats to send kids to China.

7:22pm
One baker is making garland out of metal tubing and cream puffs. Another is doing it with amber sugar-covered chestnuts. These may end up tasting like roofing material, but they sure look good.

7:30pm
Another baker basically took some lasagna ingredients, spray painted them, and threw them up wherever they’d fit. I’m not sayin’ I could do that, but I’m very good at sticking lasagna in trees.

7:32pm
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #2893752: If something can go wrong with a Food Challenge ingredient, it will. And it won’t be something you’d ever expect. “Oh no, my tortilla is too flaky!” “Oh no, my edible silver beads are too roll-ey!” “Oh no, my cream puffs are becoming too moist, which will disconnect them from the adhesive chocolate!”

7:40pm
The Long Island baker’s brother is hilariously inept.
~~~
Interviewer: What do you like, David?
Brother: Sports and … uh, sports.
~~~
Brother (holding up ornament): Where should I put these?
Baker: It’s a Christmas tree, David.

7:42pm
Question for readers: would you want to eat ornaments that have been shoved in a sap-filled Christmas tree? Where squirrels and birds might have lived? I suck on tinsel every now and then, so no judgment.

7:44pm
Staten Island baker is using an edible film paper, which I had no idea existed. I will be licking a lot more random paper now. Y’know, to test it out.

7:47pm
How I know the Husband-Elect is the right guy: he saw me after ten hours of blogging and didn’t scream “CRONE!” and run away to Timbuktu.

7:52pm
L.A. guy just told his mom to clean up his mess! It’s a shocking parent/child role reversal and it’s making me uncomfortable. The familial hierarchy exists for a reason, people!

7:55pm
Edible Film Baker is getting reamed by the judges. (A pun! It’s a pun!)

7:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zip
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: n/a, unless you’re into eating trees
VERDICT: 5/10, for lack of terrifying Carrie judge and bizarre four-level pineapple tree topper that will never leave my nightmares

8:01pm
THE SHOW: Paula’s Cookie Swap
THE HOST: Paula Deen
THE CONCEPT: Friends and family of the Deenster are dropping by with their favorite cookie recipes. Jamie and Bobby are here! Finally, y’all!

8:02pm
Paula 2009 is SO MUCH MORE GLAM than Paula 2006. Whereas Paula 2006 probably enjoyed bridge and 60 Minutes, Paula 2009 would wear leather pants and tour with the Scissor Sisters.

8:04pm
Time for another multiple choice question! Paula is wearing:
A) a brightly-colored shirt
B) Jimmy Buffet
C) several pomegranates
D) a Polynesian barbecue

8:06pm
Paula 2009 is the kind of grandma you’d introduce to all your friends, and then take to a champagne bar/drag club to hang out with ladies with names like Barbara Ghanoush and Honey Crisp. The next day, she’d disappear back to Georgia and you’d be sad for like, 100 years.

8:11pm
Hee. The lady cooking with Paula now is named Mrs. Susie Butts. In college, I worked making cold calls to hundreds of people with (really real) names like Warren Peace, Homer Simpson, John F. Kennedy, and Mrs. Shitrit.

8:14pm
Also, they’re toasting nuts. Hee. Toasted nuts.

8:22pm
The further we get into this show, the more apparent it’s become that Paula might be partaking in some Christmas spirits. I wish I could join her, but there are EIGHT HOURS OF BLOGGING LEFT. Eat your heart out, Jerry Lewis.

8:29pm
Seen today: Ina, Giada, Bobby, Tyler, Rachael, lots of Paula
Unseen today: Mario, Ace, Sara, Anne Burrell, Santa Claus, James Bond

8:32pm
Jamie and Bobby sighting! They’re making … sand tarts? What the hell are they saying?

8:33pm
How do the Deens have so many family recipes? It seems like every dish has been in their family since the beginning of time. We have one family recipe, and it’s for wallpaper paste.

8:38pm
If our first child is a boy, we’re naming him Paul Dean. He will be Southern, super gay, and totally delightful.

8:44pm
Crossover alert! Paula’s brought in Bobby from HGTV. He’s teaching her how to wrap cookies all pretty-like, with ribbon and such. History Channel wishes it was this riveting.

8:48pm
Y’all, we’re not done yet! Paula’s decking the halls in a tasty way. Or something. It’s late, and I just ate two pounds of sesame noodles.

8:52pm
Reader Robyn has an excellent question: “What happened to the lady who won the last Food Network Star?”

8:53pm
Paula is calling her decorator out for bringing store-bought cookies to the swap. The decorator looks mortified, like you just told her she has toilet paper stuck in her teeth.

8:54pm
Michael’s here! He’s dressed in a Santa suit to enhance his natural Santa-ness, and even in the jacket, it’s apparent he’s lost significant weight. Paula has too, come to think of it. Anyone know what they’re doing?

8:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none – but the bird of paradise blouse made up for it
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: below absolute zero
VERDICT: 10/10 – insanely entertaining, y’all

9:00pm
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: The Chef of note challenges a renowned Chicken Cacciatore cook to discover whose version is best.

9:01pm
New York City firehouse chef Keith Young is 6-foot-6, and has a Long Island accent that’s almost as big. He loves “protectin’ prah-petty” and “caw-melized onions.” I love his bald head.

9:06pm
Do you have a distinctive accent? Does it get worse when you’re around your family? Mine does, and Bobby’s is too, the longer he hangs out with these New York firefighters.

9:10pm
Chicken cacciatore literally translates into “hunter’s chicken,” or “chicken that you caught with a big gun and then soaked in tomatoes until it’s bloody-looking.”

9:12pm
Big difference between Bobby and Keith’s cacciatore: Flay uses red wine, while the firefighter opts for white, figuring it goes better with chicken. I think I have to go with the Iron Chef here, folks. Red wine + tomatoes = party in my mouth, and everyone’s invited.

9:15pm
Bobby walked into the firehouse to propose the challenge and Keith ate him. It was awful.

9:18pm
Oh, how I jest. Both men are still alive. Their fight will be fought in an arena of food.

9:19pm
But seriously, Keith ate him.

9:20pm
If my ears doth not deceive me, Keith just called his poultry “chicken bosom.” I’m using that from now on and claiming it as my own. No one will ever know. MUAHAHAHAHA.

9:22pm
Bobby’s adding honey to his tomato sauce. I’ve never seen that before. Italian grandmamas that read this blog: does this happen?

9:27pm
The fire chief/referee has an incredible handlebar mustache not unlike this Emperor Tamarin.

9:28pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none – will the mustache suffice?
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: surprisingly relevant – there was a budgetary aspect to the challenge
HEALTH QUOTIENT: uh – okay, I guess
VERDICT: 7/10, for the mustache

9:30pm
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobby’s challenging a priest for the Best Fajita crown. Expect a lot of holy plays on words.

9:33pm
Leo’s a breakdancing Catholic priest who loves cooking and has a third-degree black belt. He also has many, many religious cooking puns in his back pocket. Bobby is a dead man. And his soul isn’t too safe, either.

9:38pm
A haiku about Father Leo:
Awesome ninja priest
preaches peace but will nunchuk
you if provoked, dude.

9:41pm
We have entered Hour 12 of the blogathon. There is a butt-shaped jello mold where my actual butt used to be.

9:43pm
Father Leo is a ham of the highest order. Can I say that? Will I still get into heaven?

9:48pm
Father Leo’s secret marinade ingredient: “holy water.” And he was taught to chop by Mother Theresa. What a cool life, Batman.

9:52pm
Dear Pope Benedict,
Hi there! How are you? So glad you seem to be doing well. I was just wondering – is there a way to incorporate more fajitas into the average mass? I promise I would go more often.
Hugs,
Kristen
P.S. I understand if you don’t want to dignify this with a response.

9:58pm
The bed music sounds like it’s excerpted from Rocky 16: Rocky Goes to Crate & Barrel.

9:59pm
End of show. Father Leo won, duh.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: fairly high, I guess. I’m flustered
VERDICT: 9/10, for avoiding the obvious holy cow jokes

10:00pm
THE SHOW: Dinner Impossible
THE HOST: Robert Irvine
THE CONCEPT: The Chef has to feed 1000 volunteers in Biloxi, Mississippi. He has nine hours.

10:03pm
At the end of the show, they’re giving Brenda keys to her renovated home, which was ruined in Katrina in 2005. Y’know, we’ve been looking at pictures from the hurricane for three years now, and it’s still infuriating and sad.

10:12pm
Robert is squaring off/doing a dance of love with the local soul food restaurant owner. If they’re not making out by the end of this, I will eat my own socks.

10:14pm
Does everyone in Mississippi play banjo or blues guitar? Is that a prerequisite to live in the state? On Long Island, you have to know the lyrics to every Bill Joel song.

10:17pm
This show ends in 13 minutes and no one’s started cooking yet. They’re about to have some very angry Habitat for Humanitarians on their hands. And they have hammers.

10:24pm
Ooo – I lied. This is an hour-long show. Irvine is safe … FOR NOW.

10:31pm
Sweet and sour sauce spill. Back in a minute.

10:36pm
Our brown rug is now a brown rug with red spots. Merry Christmas!

10:38pm
The manufactured drama in this show is freakin’ killing me. Have they ever not finished in time?

10:40pm
In regard to Bobby Flay’s repeated Throwdown drubbings, reader Kat writes: “Challenging anyone and everyone to a Throwdown is getting slightly embarrassing, especially when you lose every dang time. I’m only trying to protect you, man.”

10:42pm
Irvine is hilariously reluctant to yell at his fellow volunteers. It’s like watching a pit bull with a Barbie jump rope tied around its muzzle.

10:47pm
Fill in the blank! There is a disturbing amount of food _____:
A) stitting outside without refrigeration
B) in close proximity to the ground
C) being prepared by men whose primary talent is sweating

10:57pm
Miss Brenda just got a look at her new home, and she’s stunned. The dining room almost knocked her over. What a sweet lady.

10:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high – they’re volunteers
HEALTH QUOTIENT: they’ve been working out, so it’s okay
VERDICT: 6/10, for the lack of yelling.

11:00pm
THE SHOW: Good Eats! Finally!
THE HOST: Alton Brown!
THE CONCEPT: Cooking nerd schools us, is generally pretty great.

11:02pm
Alton is explaining flour, and he’s uncomfortably close to the camera. He has 257 eyebrow hairs.

11:05pm
This is brilliant. Alton’s given us the show recipe’s ingredients, but hasn’t revealed the name of the recipe itself yet. We have to figure it out ourselves. He is the Will Shortz of TV chefs.

11:09pm
Oh! He’s buying a popover pan. He’s making popovers. I’m a genius. All hail me.

11:12pm
Have those popover signs been popping up throughout they whole show? They have, haven’t they? I’m not a genius, then. I’m merely brilliant.

11:15pm
The popovers are being filled with all kinds of disturbing things – fruit, ice cream, broth, etc. Where’s the butter? Where’s the jam? They are afraid and alone. Unfrozen Caveman Popovers.

11:20pm
We have suddenly jumped to Yorkshire pudding, as defined in the 1500s. We have gone Back to the Future, and Doc Alton Brown is our guide, Marty.

11:21pm
Holy … the recipe for Yorkshire pudding is almost exactly the same as the recipe for popovers! This show makes everyone smarter. Is there any doubt it’s the best on Food Network?

11:25pm
How much I wanted to see “It’s Complicated” at the beginning of the day: 54%
Number of commercials for “It’s Complicated” seen today: approximately 30
How much I want to see “It’s Complicated” now: -4%

11:27pm
Alton now preparing a Dutch Pancake, or, as it’s more commonly known, a Pancake That Pays for its Half of a Date.

11:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero – Weird Al Yankovic shirts is Alton’s preferred look
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: sky high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 12/10, for being my TV boyfriend (with apologies to Tim Riggins).

11:31pm
THE SHOW: Oh god … Unwrapped.
THE HOST: Marc Summers
THE CONCEPT: How boring mass produced food is boringly made.

11:33pm
The Husband-Elect and I have a private joke about this show in that sometimes, we have entire conversations using Marc Summers vocal inflections:
Me: “Hon, can you get me … a cup of coffee?”
Him: “Would you like … a little milk?”
Me: “Maybe also … a paper napkin?”
Him: “Of course, I’ll … be right back.”

11:40pm
Alternate names for Unwrapped: The Conveyor Belt Show, People in Hairnets, White Owners/ Non-White Employees, and Drippy Chocolate.

11:45pm
It’s a quarter to midnight and I’m drinking iced coffee. The hallucinations should start soon. My Christmas tree is already starting to look like a Tim Burton movie.

11:52pm
Unwrapped is profiling organic grocery store Whole Foods, a.k.a. Whole Paycheck, a.k.a. That Place Where I Can’t Afford Apples. They’re trying to “dispel the myth that organic has to cost more.” Unmentioned: “sell $40 chicken legs.”

11:58pm
Now profiling snackmakers Pirate’s Booty. It’s the same damn conveyor belt with different food on it. You won’t fool me, Summers!

11:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nope
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nope
VERDICT: 2/10, for infuriating me with … factory line footage.

12:01am
THE SHOW: Oh no … the same Throwdown we saw three hours ago.
THE HOST: Still Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Still the Chicken Cacciatore thing.

12:07am
Oh man. I’m gonna need a different angle for this one, fast. What if we made up a song to the tune of Bob Dylan’s “The Times, They Are A-Changin’”?
Come gather ’round firemen
Wherever you drink
And admit that you left your
dish in the sink.
And accept it that soon
You’ll be forced to think
About whose chicken
you’re pickin’.
So you better start eatin’
‘Cause it’ll be done in a wink.
For the Throwdown, it is a … goin’ down.

12:12am
Okay, maybe not that.

12:17am
It’s now 12:17, and I don’t have a bit for this yet. Unless this running bit that I have no bit is actually the bit. Oh crap. The Le Cordon Bleu commercial again. Have I fallen asleep without knowing it? Is this a nightmare?

12:20am
Okay. FN is airing repeats (Dinner Impossible, Paula’s Cookie Swap, etc.) straight through 4am. SO, I’m gonna break for a few hours and continue this then. That’s not cheating, right? I don’t think so. Either way, thank god I JUST DRANK A CUP OF COFFEE.

4:01am
THE SHOW: Tasty Travels
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: Rachael eats her way across the Northeastern seaboard.

4:04am
This narration is far too chirpy for four o’clock in the morning: “For a true Kennebunkport experience, cast your net at Mabel’s Lobster Claw!” It’s only missing a cheerleading pyramid.

4:06am
I woke up with “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” in my head. Tonight, thank god it’s me, INSTEAD OF YOOOOOOOOOU.

4:07am
Also on TV at 4:07am:
CW: Frasier
ABC: News
CSPAN: An old man complaining
TV Guide Channel: an infomercial for Dermawand, the stick you put on your face.
PBS: An old man complaining

4:11am
Holy cow! It’s a commercial for The Clapper! This has to be at least 15 years old. Is that a cassette player in there?

4:12am
Back to Rachael, who’s eating lobster at the Algonquin. It is, as you might imagine, “ahhhb-so-LUTE-ly dah-LISH-ous.”

4:14am
My heat’s off. Is my heat always off now?

4:18am
Rachael is in Portsmouth (literally: “there is port in my mouth”), New Hampshire (literally, “there is a shire in my hamp”). She’s at the Muddy River smokehouse, where men are men and women are also men.

4:20am
Was that mean? I don’t care. It’s 4:20 in the morning.

4:21am
“Locals are enchanted with the cuisine.” This phrase is not used in Brooklyn very often. Here, it’s more like, “Locals will not shiv you over the cuisine.”

4:23am
Next, Rachael goes to Gloucester, the Massachusettsiest of all the Massachusetts-sounding towns in all the world. It is wicked Massachusettsy. Red Sox.

4:24am
Commercials at 4:24am in the morning:
AARP Medicare Supplement Insurance
Hair transplants
… that’s it. It’s me and balding old people awake right now.

4:27am
We’re now at Halibut Point restaurant, where Rachael is eating CHOWDAH next to FISHAHMEN. All this trip is missing is a Kennedy.

4:29am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: I forgot to count. It’s cold in here.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium – she mentioned some numeric thingies.
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low – what?
VERDICT: 4:29am

4:30am
THE SHOW: How’d That Get On My Plate?
THE HOST: Sunny Anderson
THE CONCEPT: Unwrapped, but with fresh food and no … Marc Summers.

4:32am
Sunny kicks off the show in an open field. If Martin Scorcese taught me anything, the only people in open fields at 4:32 in the morning are about to be whacked by the mob. Run, Sunny!

4:34am
Did you know: industrial garlic bulbs are peeled by something called a clove blower. In college, the words “clove blower” had a very different meaning. It usually involved a Phish album.

4:36am
Food Network is pushing the White House Iron Chef HARD. Do you think Mario and Emeril will accidentally bump tummies on the floor? Like jolly dueling Santas? Because oh, how I’d giggle.

4:38am
In 2001, my job required that I pull into work right about now. New York is always eerily silent this time of the morning, but I did see a guy get jumped from my cab once.

4:39am
Was that story not riveting enough? My judgment of interesting stories is a little off right now. I’m 20 seconds from babbling about the coldness of my nose.

4:41am
There is a vat of Bloody Mary mix being made on my television. It looks like the scene from Nightmare on Elm Street when the bed eats Johnny Depp. Did you know – and this is not a joke – that he was credited under the name “Oprah Noodlemantra” for his cameo in the sequel? ABSORB THIS KNOWLEDGE, YOUNG PADAWAN.

4:46am
Sunny is back at the garlic factory. You know how you come home sometimes smelling like work? That must be a genuine work hazard for people who work in a garlic factory.

4:48am
Now she’s standing next to a 5000-pound garlic mountain. There are 5000 vampire jokes just waiting to be made here. I’ll be a gentlewoman and let y’all handle it.

4:52am
I can taste garlic in the air in my apartment all of a sudden. This means either this show is really effective, or there’s an old pizza stuck in my walls. Both are equally likely.

4:53am
Sunny is currently wandering through a tremendous warehouse, stacked floor-to-ceiling with barrels of dried garlic. I assuming the Ark of the Covenant is also in there somewhere.

4:58am
It’s roasted garlic hummus now, which has an inherently hilarious texture. You guys don’t know what you’re missing. But it’s okay – no worries. You can stay asleep. That’s why I’m here.

4:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero – Sunny stuck to overalls
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: astronomic – garlic is good for you, y’all
VERDICT: Who am I? How did I get here?

5:00am
Folks, 19-1/2 hours later, we are DONE! It’s been a trip. I’m going to bed. Hasta la pasta.

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FBI Expands its Definition of Rape—Will We Take It Seriously Now?

Late last week, a subcommittee unanimously voted to update the FBI's definition of rape, which has not been altered since 1929. The current definition is laughably archaic, defining rape as “the carnal knowledge of a female forcibly and against her will.”

Men are explicitly excluded. The FBI clarifies: "By definition, sexual attacks on males are excluded from the rape category and must be classified as assaults or other sex offenses depending on the nature of the crime and the extent of injury.” Statutory rape and rape with inanimate objects, like the one Abner Louima endured at the hands of police officers, don't count either. This language has been used to excuse the slew of rapes that occur when a victim is intoxicated and unable to consent. And oral rape, like what was alleged against Dominique Strauss-Kahn, also fall outside the definition.

Activists have been pushing for a new definition for years, but the issue went into high gear in February, after Representative Chris Smith (R-New Jersey) attempted to make women who hadn’t been raped “forcibly” pay for their abortions out of pocket.  The proposed new definition is far more to the advocates' liking, and far closer to reality: “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”

If the entire All Points Bulletin votes yes to this wording in December, and FBI director Robert Mueller makes it official, the Uniform Crime Report may reflect what rape actually is, and therefore cause crime rates to skyrocket. Because of the narrow definition currently on the books, the FBI's reporting of rapes nationwide are hopelessly inaccurate. States and cities report other kinds of rape locally, but the FBI neglects to include them in their annual crime reports. The FBI didn't include any of Chicago's 1,400 rapes last year because the city uses a definition that doesn't line up with the FBI's language. 

These new numbers could lead to more resources being allocated to investigate rapes, which are sorely needed; the backlog of rape kits that go untested because cities are broke is a huge problem. And it could result in communities trusting their law enforcement more. Carol Tracy, executive director of the Women’s Law Project in Philadelphia and major advocate for the change, told PRI that "in some communities, when they know a serious sex crime has occurred and the report comes out (and it's not listed), the community thinks the police are lying and not reporting it."

More symbolically, a spike in rape numbers could serve as a wakeup call for everyone. We're a culture that continually looks the other way on rape cases that don't fit our narrow definition of the "perfect victim"—a straight, white, sober female held at gunpoint in a dark alley. Lending legitimacy to all kinds of rape victims may make cops think twice before they tell kids not to dress like "sluts" in order to avoid sexual assault. It may give someone pause before he makes a prison rape joke or waves off a situation where a girl was too drunk to say yes or no. They're only numbers, but having real statistics will make it easier for all of us to turn abstractions into hard facts.

Photo via (cc) Flickr user ctrouper.

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Apple Hacks: 39 Apple Recipes, Games, Activities, and Crafts

The U.S. produced more than 9,816,000,000 pounds of apples last year, or just about 28,854,000,000 individual pieces of fruit. That’s a lot of apples. Maybe too many to eat.

Fortunately, there are dozens – no, hundreds – wait, THOUSANDS of other uses for those delightful orbs of deliciousness, and CHG has 43 of ‘em right here.

1. Predict your romantic fortune. According to USApple.org, throwing an apple peel over your shoulder could reveal the identity of a boyfriend-or-girlfriend-to-be, since it, “would form the initial of your lover’s name.” I’m guessing X and Q don’t show up much.

2. Practice your pumpkin carving. Test-whittle a pumpkin pattern on its smaller, cheaper fruit cousin, and you’ll make fewer mistakes when it’s showtime.

3. Teach someone how to bunt. One of baseball’s most overlooked skills is also one of its most important, especially if you’re into squeeze plays. But bunting too hard is a surefire way to waste an out. At your team’s next practice, toss apples to your bunters-in-training. If the fruit gets smashed, the kids are using unnecessary force. If the apples fall and roll away unharmed, they’re halfway to Butlerville.

4. Play a Flexibility game. This is an easy, creative brain exercise revered by one of my favorite elementary school teachers. Place an apple in front of a few kids. Give them ten minutes to come up with as many non-food uses as possible. The winner gets the apple. (And gets to write a blog entry twenty years later about the many uses of apples.)

5. Practice magic. Nourish your inner Harry Blackstone with the good ol’ Orange to an Apple trick. (Scroll down for details.)

6. Shrink some heads. Both hideously effective and just plain hideous, shrunken apple heads are guaranteed to scare the beejeezus out of someone this Halloween. Fab Foods has instructions.

7. Exfoliate. Wikihow gives DIY instructions on a neat facial scrub. Make sure you’re not allergic before giving it a try. That would be bad.

8. Prevent every disease known to man. Apples’ health benefits are too numerous and mind-boggling, to list here, so I’ll let’s hand it over to the Apple lobby.

9. Teach a student driver how to accelerate and brake smoothly. The apple’s stable bottom and heavy top makes it a perfect balance tool. Place one on top of the driver’s car. In an unoccupied parking lot, have him speed up, speed down, and finally, brake. If the apple’s knocked off, he loses. If it stays on, it’s apple pie for all.

10. Soften brown sugar. Oh, Reader’s Digest, you crafty minx. I had no idea it was possible to do this: “place an apple wedge in a self-sealing plastic bag with the chunk of hardened brown sugar. Tightly seal the bag and put it in a dry place for a day or two. Your sugar will once again be soft enough to use.” Now, if you could only improve that joke page…

11. Facial! According to the Washington Post, apples make people look pretty. Mix a grated one with a little honey and apply it to your face. Poof! Instant beauty. (Or at least, a very tasty visage.)

12. Stick ‘em in a vase. Pretending you’re on Trading Spaces has never been so easy. Grab a dozen Granny Smiths, pile them in a clear, tall container, and place strategically. Instant class for less than $4.

13. Make a stamp. Apples make great (albeit temporary) decorative stamps. Whether it’s cards, letters, or wrapping paper, the Washington Post claims all you have to do is, “[Slice] the fruit horizontally, exposing the inside star shape. Or create more elaborate designs — hearts, moons, Hitchcock’s profile — with a small knife. Then stick a fork in the rounded side of the fruit, dip it in paint and press the stamp on paper.”

14. Host an apple tasting. From Lifehacker: Buy a dozen or so different apples, invite some friends over, and eat. Pair with wine, cheese, and/or chocolate for the ultimate in inexpensive luxury.

15. Ripen a tomato. Take five under-ripe tomatoes and one ripe apple. Place in a paper bag. Wait a few days. Marvel at the results.

16. Learn to Juggle. Over a couch or couch-like surface, preferably.

17. Treat a horse, rabbit, or turtle. People aren’t the only animals that dig a nice MacIntosh. Head to your nearest stable or petting zoo, and (with the permission of the owners) make a mammal and/or amphibian happy. Especially fun with kids. (Make sure to shred the fruit before feeding it to a turtle. Otherwise, Choke City.)

18. De-salt a dish. Oversalting is a ginormous problem for those of us who prefer our sodium intake on the tongue-withering side. Reader’s Digest says, “When you find yourself getting heavy-handed with the saltshaker, simply drop a few apple (or potato) wedges in your pot. After cooking for another 10 minutes or so, remove the wedges — along with the excess salt.” Chemistry at work!

19. Make stuff smell good. Huge props to Meredith at Like Merchant Ships on this one. She simmers a few apples along with various spicery, and her house ends up more fragrant than a Pillsbury factory. NICE. Instructions included in the link.

20. Build apple animals. Grab some toothpicks, a few gum drops, a handful of marshmallows and go to town. They make inspired, bizarrely fun holiday decorations, especially for Halloween and Thanksgiving.

21. Support some candles. I wish I’d thought of this one. Instead, Reader’s Digest trumped me again. You rascally malcontents! “Use an apple corer to carve a hole three-quarters of the way down into a pair of large apples, insert a tall decorative candle into each hole, surround the apples with a few leaves, branches, or flowers.”

22. Create an apple-head doll. Hey! It’s a doll that, uh, ages. (Yay?) I’m not so sure how I feel about this one, but (once again) the Washington Post seems to think it’s a good idea: “Peel an apple and let it hang-dry for a couple of days, so that the fruit shrivels into an old-lady face. Decorate the face with wire (for granny glasses) and seeds (for beady eyes), and attach it to a small bottle for the body. Dress up.”

23. Save the cakes! Storing a cake with half an apple will keep it alive for days longer than its projected lifespan. See, the apple absorbs all the mold-breeding moisture, leaving the confection nearly as fresh as the day it was baked. (I would say, “yummo” here, but honestly, that word makes me homicidal.)

24. Juice up a chicken. Marcella Hazan does this, but with lemons. 1) Grab a roaster chicken. 2) Stick an apple up its butt. 3) Roast. 4) Enjoy your a dewy, drippingly moist bird. Reader’s Digest has more.

25. Bob for them suckers. Oh, it looks easy enough, but Bobbing for Apples is the “Stairway to Heaven” of Halloween party games: only the chosen ones are really good at it.

26. Teach math and/or the fundamentals of gravity. According to some studies, kids respond better to hands-on lessons than those learned by rote memory. Apples are good tools for teaching addition, subtraction, and basic Newtonian physics. (Plus, is there anything more entertaining than dropping fruit on childrens’ heads?)

27. Decorate a Christmas tree. String some garland or build your own ornaments. If you have a dog or particularly bizarre cat, just remember to place ‘em high up.

28. Practice your knife skills. Whether you’re peeling its skin, coring the center, or chopping it up into eraser-sized pieces, the apple is one of the few foods suited for both pairing and chef’s knives. Hone your technique on a few dozen Cortlands (and use the detritus in applesauce).

29. Jazz up a floral arrangement. For your next bouquet, think outside the flower box by adding one or two color-coordinated apples to the party. Meredith has a great example over here.

30. Kiss up to a teacher. If your wife, husband, sister, roommate, uncle, best friend, or second cousin by marriage twice removed is about to launch a teaching career, slip a Red Delicious into their lunchbox with a note. They’ll mist up in the cafeteria.

31. Devise a centerpiece. Stack ‘em, line ‘em up, or stick ‘em in a bowl – anyway you position them, apples are elegant, easy objets d’art in any mealtime setting.

32. Play Pass the Apple. A super-neat variation on the ol’ fashioned relay race, Pass the Apple involves each runner tucking a piece of fruit under his chin, then transferring it to the next runner’s chin without using his hands.

33. Carve a bird. Fruit sculpture is impressive and fairly easy when compared to other hobbies, like say, quantum physics. This apple bird tutorial will get you started.

34. Give a gift. Whether you’re canning or making Apple Pie in a Jar, every person on the face of the earth (except Kim Jong Il and other various psychopaths) loves receiving food for special occasions. Homemade apple products are an inexpensive way to please minds, hearts, and gaping maws.

35. Target practice. Do you shoot things at other things? Save money (and perhaps someone’s eye) by setting apples up as bulls-eyes. On the less-destructive side, they also make fabulous targets for practicing your curveball. (PLEASE BE CAREFUL.)

36. Paint. There’s a reason so many painters start on bowls of fruit – it’s a good way to learn fundamental shading and coloring. Unpack those brushes and get started, folks.

37. Design a wreath. At first, I pictured this as a dozen apples affixed to a straw circlet, rotting over my mom’s mantle. Ooo – wrong. FamilyCorner.com has a good example of how it should really be done.

38. Play apple toss. It’s like cornhole, but with buckets. And apples. And no bean bags. And … ah, just take a look.

39. Cook. This would be a pretty awful cooking blog if there was no actual cooking involved. So, BEHOLD the following light, relatively inexpensive recipes, garnered from Cooking Light, Food Network, Pick Your Own, All Recipes, and my Ma:
Apple Brown Betty
Apple Butter
Apple Cake

Sources:

• Hocklander, Sony. “Applemania,” Springfield News-Leader. 9/19/04.
• Reader’s Digest
  http://www.rd.com/content/extraordinaryuses/extraordinary-uses-for-apples/
• US Apple Association
  http://usapple.org/index-c.cfm
• “With the arrival of apple season,” Washington Post. 10/22/06

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Snob Worthy Links September 27, 2011

Shoe Snob‘s Top 5 Not-Your-Everyday Flats!

Red Carpet Fashion Awards has Demi Moore In Victoria Beckham at Variety’s 3rd Annual Power Of Women Luncheon.

Craving a cape but fear the trend will live fast and die hard? L’Agence at Couture Snob to save the day!

The Budget Fashionista is Live from London Spring 2012 Fashion Week and Japanese Style is BIG for Spring!

Love It or Loathe It: Hoss Intropia Warm Winter Sneakers at TheFind.

Tot Snob has Cool Duds for Your Cool Dude!

The Fashion Spot is full of Milan Fashion Week!

Jewel Snob is so excited to see Shawn and Samantha’s first collaboration with Chris Benz, now online! It was inspired by “the idea of Bermuda” and features vivid colors.

Gossip Girl Premiered Last Night — Get a Peek at All of the Gorgeous Outfits at FabSugar.

Timelessly seductive and highly dramatic, black lace will always find a place on the feminine side of our wardrobes and Bag Snob has the Top 5 Black Lace Bags of the season.

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Identity Crisis

Elliott has two scars across his chest where his breasts used to be. He has full sideburns down his gaunt cheeks, a strong chin, and sharp jawline. His voice is not deep enough to be considered baritone. At 22, he looks like a rather boyish young man. You would not mistake him for a woman, although he was born a woman. There’s a chance you might mistake him for Morrissey, which is the look he’s going for. The asexual British rocker poet has long been the patron saint of gay and androgynous youth.

Elliott’s story is one we are hearing more and more these days. About the time he hit puberty, his body started developing in a way that was incongruent to how he perceived himself. Breasts, new thatches of hair, and an emerging feminine shape pushed Elliott toward an identity that felt alien. By 16, he felt as though his body no longer belonged to him. “It was something happening to me. Like it wasn’t even a part of me.”

To say that Elliott felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body or that he was repelled by his own private parts, as the typical definition of a transsexual would have you presume, would be inaccurate. Elliott didn’t want to escape one sex role to embrace another, but he did have a desire to feel “more manly.” Disoriented and nervous about what was happening to him, he told his parents that he thought he was, perhaps, maybe, “bisexual?” But as time went on Elliott found that his feelings had less to do with which sex he was attracted to and more to do with which sex he wanted to be. In fact, for his age, Elliott thought very little about sex. He had somewhat resigned himself to a life of solitude, as lonely teenagers are wont to do. As Morrissey sings, “You don’t have to tell me … I know I’m unlovable.”

His junior year of high school, Elliott found out about hormonal replacement therapy. Once he turned 18 he would be eligible to receive testosterone injections without parental consent and eventually his body would take on more masculine characteristics, including facial hair, a broader brow, deeper voice, and decreased breast size. To get the treatment, however, Elliott would have to undergo 15 sessions with a psychologist to prove that his biological sex caused him enough distress that it merited reassignment. That psychologist would then give him a letter addressed to a physician certifying that Elliott suffered from gender- identity disorder.

Elliott never believed he had a “disorder,” so he feared he would give the wrong answers, or not display enough distress. “It was all so ridiculous,” he tells me. “I was contemptuous of the whole thing. I basically had to keep meeting with this psychology grad student who handed me a fifty-question checklist on our first session. You can look up symptoms online to make sure you get your diagnosis letter, so I made sure I did that.” One thing trans-themed forums and blogs recommend is journaling about a “real life experience” to show a therapist. According to the “standards of care” put out by the World Professional Association for Transgender Health for the medical and psychiatric community, it’s recommended that prior to hormone therapy, the patient has a “documented experience” dressed as the gender he or she desires to be. This ultimately means going in drag to work, school, or among family to confront possible anxieties that come with a new gender and face “external consequences.”

Though the process frustrated Elliott, he did not want to buy hormones on the black market (which you can also do online) and self-administer, so he stuck with it, hoping for a positive diagnosis. Which is to say, he was hoping to be declared mentally ill—at least according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the standardized criteria written by the American Psychiatric Association and used by clinicians, psychia- trists, and psychologists to diagnose their patients. The DSM lists gender-identity disorder (GID) as a certifiable mental illness. A patient, like Elliott, exhibits not only the desire to become another gender but also demonstrates “relationship difficulties” because of the distress he or she feels about being the wrong one.

However, all that could change.

Since it was initially published in 1952, the DSM has undergone only four major revisions, and with each new edition there comes, rightfully, a great deal of controversy and advocacy, in and around the mental-health field. After all, the DSM is the book that separates the sane from the pathological, the neurotics from the normals. The slightest shift in sentence structure can cause major reverberations across the fields of medicine, biology, and pharmacology. When DSM-IV broadened the definition of bipolar disorder in 1994, there was a huge rise in prescriptions for “mood stabilizing” drugs that, prior to the change, were usually only recommended for people who suffered from convulsions or psychosis.

In certain cases, like, say, homosexuality, revising the DSM can have a vast social impact. The first two editions of the DSM classified homosexuality as a sexual disorder right along pedophilia and rubbing against strangers in public. It wasn’t until 1980
that homosexuality was removed entirely from the DSM, a move to which many activists, scholars, and clinicians attribute the destigmatization of homosexuality in American culture.

So when it was announced last year that the newest version of the DSM, to be published in 2013, would make significant revisions to the GID diagnosis, swaths of activists inside and out of the psychiatric establishment saw an opportunity to have the diagnosis removed altogether. They argue that the diagnosis further isolates transgender individuals, who are already a highly vulnerable and ostracized group.

The DSM work group assigned to gender identity disorder, a panel of specialized field experts, has already bowed to some external pressures. It has made clear that it intends to change the name of the diagnosis from “disorder” to “dysphoria”—which describes a passing mood rather than a fixed state. The work group has also made public its plans to not only preserve the core GID diagnosis, but to retain an even more controversial entry: GID in children.

Those who are in favor of keeping gender identity disorder in the DSM have two main arguments. The first is a clinical utility argument: If a person, especially a child, is distressed, suicidal, or self-harming because he or she feels incongruent with his or her gender, GID offers a diagnosis and path for treatment.

Robert Spitzer, the architect of DSM-III (the edition that removed homosexuality), acknowledged the fundamental question the term “disorder” dredges up.

“The concept of disorder is man-made,” Spitzer wrote in 1981. “Over the course of time, all cultures have evolved concepts of illness or disease in order to identify certain conditions that, because of their negative consequences, implicitly have a call to action” to caretakers, to the person with the condition, and to society. Spitzer concluded, “The advantage of identifying such conditions is that it makes it easier for individuals with those conditions to receive care that may be helpful to them.”

The second argument in favor of keeping GID in the diagnostic manual is where things get ethically murky. The removal of the diagnosis may also remove insurance coverage for transsexual adults who are being treated with hormonal or surgical reassignment. As of now, a diagnosis of mental illness is the only mechanism that transsexuals have for medical insurance to cover mastectomies, testosterone injections, and genital reconstruction surgeries (though very few insurance companies cover any sort of gender reassignment, because it is most often considered “cosmetic”).

Megan Smith, a Nebraska-based psychotherapist and an advocate for the removal of GID from the DSM, claims that the insurance argument is the one she most often encounters. Smith believes keeping the diagnosis for the sake of insurance coverage is “unethical and unscientific.” Smith argues, “I don’t believe it’s our obligation as mental health professionals to change psychiatric evaluations in order to play ball with insurance companies.”

When it comes to the issue of distress in children, the proposed revisions put the burden of proof on the parents. In the current proposal the work group includes a questionnaire to be completed by parents about their young sons:

Over the past six months, how intense was your son’s avoidance of rough-and-tumble play?

Over the past six months, how intense was your son’s dislike of his sexual anatomy (e.g., that he dislikes or hates his penis or testes)?

Over the past six months, how intense was your son’s desire for the sexual anatomy of a girl (e.g., sits to urinate, pretends to have breasts, would like to have a vagina)?

Or their young daughters:

Over the past six months, how intense was your daughter’s preference for the toys, games, and activities typical of boys?

Over the past six months, how intense was your daughter’s preference for boy playmates?

Over the past six months, how intense was your daughter’s desire for the sexual anatomy of a boy (e.g., that she would like to have a penis or to grow one; stands to urinate)?

For the activists opposed to keeping the diagnosis in the DSM-V, like Smith, this brings up a fairly obvious question: Whose distress are you treating—the child’s or the parents’? When Smith worked for a non-profit that served the homeless in Omaha, she encountered several transgender teens who had been cast out by their families. “Childhood is a time for people to explore their genders,” she says. “Much of the distress I see in my young patients isn’t from wanting to be another gender, it’s the anxiety of having to become a total outsider.”

The DSM does not allow much, if any, gender ambiguity—the word “transgender” appears nowhere in the current DSM or in any of its proposed revisions. “A lot of people I’ve spoken with don’t identify as either male or female,” says Smith. “They see themselves as gender queer, or atypical gender, or just plain trans,” never completely going over to one sex or the other.

The most nefarious outcome of GID remaining in the DSM, activists believe, will be the introduction of “reparative treatment” given by psychiatrists to transgender children, adolescents, and adults. Though condemned by the American Psychiatric Association in 1998, reparative or conversion therapy aims to cure homosexuality (there usually exists a moral or religious component to this sort of faux treatment). The APA spoke out against reparative treat- ment because it operated on the assumption “that homosexuality is a mental illness.” As long as gender-identity disorder remains in the DSM, the LGBT community will worry that society will view transgender people as in need of “fixing.”

However, Jack Dresher, a New York–based psychiatrist and a member of the 13-person Sexual and Gender Identity Disorder Work Group for DSM-V, wrote in a recent paper that no one in the work group condones “fixing” trans teens or gay teens. Psychiatry has historically conflated sexual orientation with sexual identity, he writes, but the work group rightfully distinguishes these into separate categories.

While Dresher acknowledges the parallels between the efforts of the gay-rights movement and the trans community to normalize their presence in society at large, he believes that acceptance of queer-identified individuals is progressing rapidly and would not be offset by GID staying on the books. Though he admits there would undoubtedly be some stigma for those diagnosed—as there is for individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder or major depression—he thinks keeping the diagnosis for people who have distress about their bodies and identities “would be a less harmful choice.”

Dresher ultimately recommends adoption of less “stigmatizing language towards gender variant individuals” and a narrower definition of GID children to include just those suffering distress about their anatomy.

When Emmie told her parents that she was transgender at age 14, there were all kinds of details to work out. Not only would Emmie, who now goes by Jesse, need to change her documented sex at her private school, she would also need to figure out where she was going to change for P.E. and which school bathrooms she was allowed to use. Now 16, Jesse is identified as a boy by his school and peers. To minimize confusion for the other students, Jesse uses the nongen- der faculty bathrooms, changes in a separate room, and was asked by the administration to not wear a skirt, which would be now
be considered “drag.”

“The skirt thing was kinda funny because if you ask me, I don’t believe in a gender binary,” Jesse tells me on the phone after I contact him via the Transgender Student Rights Facebook page he runs. “I think of gender as more of a spectrum,” he tells me in a high-pitched voice that absolutely betrays his biological sex.

Before Jesse came out as transgender, he was in therapy four days a week because of his tumultuous childhood. When Jesse was 9 years old his mother died from anorexia and his father agreed to have the couple’s best friends adopt Jesse. After Jesse came out to his adoptive parents, they told his biological father. Jesse and his dad went to lunch, where his father showed him pictures of himself dressed like a woman. He told Jesse that from time to time he enjoys dressing up in drag, so there was nothing for him to feel ashamed about.

“My dad told me he always thought I’d be a weirdo because I came from such an eccentric family,” Jesse giggles.

When I ask how he feels about the possibility that under the DSM proposals he technically could be classified as mentally ill, Jesse laughs it off. “I think everyone could benefit from therapy, so while I would like to see the diagnosis totally gone from the DSM, because, like I said, I don’t believe in a gender binary, I don’t think therapists are the enemy.”

Jesse hasn’t decided whether he wants to go on hormone treatments once he turns 18. “I might want to have a kid one day and I don’t want to mess with that possibility right now.” Though, he admits, it would be nice to take his voice down to a lower pitch. “I might get top surgery [double mastectomy],” Jesse muses, but still isn’t sure. “You know, there are some days I wish my boobs would go away; there are other days where I kinda like them.”

Mixology Mailbag Drinks Around a Citrus Allergy

I'm fascinated by the world of cocktails but I have a rather major issue with most of them: I'm allergic to all citrus fruits, which means most traditional cocktails give me an awful skin reaction, which makes it difficult to try original drinks at bars.

I had never heard of "The Algonquin" in your last post, and will definitely try it out. Do you have any other recommendations for great cocktails that don't involve citrus? — When Life Hands Me Lemons I Scream and Run Away

I am very sorry to hear about your allergy, Handsy. At the same time, I’m relieved that the major consequence of a minor citrus slip-up is a rash rather than, say, anaphylactic shock. Our motto here at Mixology Mailbag: “Don’t kill the readers.”

Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to know which cocktail ingredients contain tiny amounts of citrus. So let’s start with some good news: You can drink whiskey neat! Hell, you can drink whiskey all kinds of ways: with water, on the rocks, in a Mint Julep or an Old Fashioned, hold the fruit—most of your fancier cocktail bars wouldn't dare put a muddled orange wedge in an Old Fashioned now, anyway. You can also have your whiskey in all manner of highballs. Mmm, highballs: Scotch and soda, 7 and 7, bourbon and cola, rye and ginger ale (just stay away from a Horse’s Neck—that involves a spiral-cut lemon twist). As long as you can live with a reduced repertoire of garnishes, you can down tall, refreshing mixed drinks until the cows come home. You can even clink your glass to the height of fashion; I understand highballs are very chic these days.

You could drink just fine sticking with whiskey as a base spirit, but I also recommend cozying up to brandies of all sorts. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of high-quality, non-citric Cognacs, Armagnacs, Calvadoses and applejacks out there just begging to be sipped out of a snifter in front of a roaring fire. If snifter-sipping seems too Monsterpiece Theatre for you, look into brandy highballs. I love a good brandy and soda under most any circumstances, but especially in those waning hours of the evening when the barroom begins to appear dingy and small, and the company and conversation seem to lose their luster. A brandy and soda, or even a brandy and ginger ale (also called a Horse’s Neck when made with that accursed spiral garnish), can return a bit of sparkle to the proceedings.

Of course, if you re-sparkle your evening too many times, you may awaken to find the next morning decidedly lacking in pizzazz. For those occasions, the ancients devised a clever, eggy little creature called the Coffee Cocktail. Don’t be fooled—the Coffee Cocktail neither contains nor resembles coffee. (Perhaps we should re-christen it the “Misnomer.”) The name suggests only the proper hour for imbibing: directly after you’ve finished your first cup of Joe.

Coffee Cocktail, from Vintage Spirits and Forgotten Cocktails by Ted “Dr. Cocktail” Haigh

1 oz. brandy (Martell works well)
1 egg
2-3 oz. ruby port
1 teaspoon sugar

Pour brandy into an iced cocktail shaker. Add the egg. Pour in the port and sugar. Shake and strain into a small goblet. Grate or shake some nutmeg on top.

I used Remy Martin VSOP cognac and Three Grapes ruby port, and suggest confining your port pour to 2 ounces. Port and brandy are natural grape-based allies, so any recipe that mixes those two (and leaves out, say, orange juice) should be suitable for the Handsy cocktail repertoire.

Now for a bit of bad news: Martinis are out. In fact, I would stay away from all gin drinks, just to be safe. That was the advice Dave Smith, distiller of fine potables for St. George Spirits, gave me. Dave has evolved into something of a gin scholar in recent months, as he worked to perfect the recipes for St. George’s first three gins, launching this fall. Dave says that ingredients like lemon peel are often used in very small amounts to balance the other botanicals in gin, and that citrus is “too necessary” to be left out entirely. Sadly, all three of St. George’s upcoming gins contain a small amount of citrus.

I’m afraid that the news on vermouth is equally bad. I was pleased to hear you praise the Algonquin from the latest Mailbag … until I did some digging. Martini and Rossi’s website discloses (in stilted language likely translated from Italian) that in their Extra Dry variety, “[t]he sparkling quality of the water from Monviso in the Alps allows the infusions of lemons, raspberries and iris to shine.” Noilly Prat’s site lists “bitter orange from Tunisia” among the non-secret ingredients in Noilly Original Dry.

Dolin’s dry vermouth might be safer (and plenty tasty in an Algonquin), since their site will divulge only “wormwood … hyssop, camomile, genepi, chincona bark and rose petals,” but do you really want to take your chances with an infusion of “up to 54 different plants”? I didn’t, so I e-mailed Carl Sutton, the man behind Sutton Cellars Brown Label Vermouth. Carl was as cagey as you’d expect about his product’s “17 botanicals,” but when I mentioned your specific conundrum, he owned up to the fact that orange peel is “one of the main ingredients” in his vermouth. Foiled again!

Depending on the sensitivity of your allergy, you may want to steer clear of Algonquins, Martinis, and even Manhattans, too (figuring that sweet vermouth is similarly likely to employ citrus peels in the service of an acidic tang). The same goes for liqueurs like Chartreuse or Bénédictine—anything made by monks, using secret recipes known only to members of the Order and centuries-old ghosts, can't be trusted. Even the monks that don’t take a vow of silence are religious about protecting their trade secrets.

After all of that bad news, I’m guessing you might like another drink. How about another glass of our new friend port, plus two base spirits distilled from harmless grains and sugar cane:

Handsy Suburban, adapted from Esquire Drinks: An Opinionated & Irreverent Guide to Drinking by David Wondrich

1 &frac12; oz. rye whiskey
&frac12; oz. dark Jamaican rum
&frac12; oz. port
Dash of Angostura bitters
Dash of Fee Brothers whiskey-barrel-aged bitters

Stir well with cracked ice. Strain into chilled cocktail glass.

The businesslike backbone of this drink reminds me of a Manhattan or a Negroni, two all-booze classics that gin and vermouth have removed from the running. As Mr. Wondrich presents it, the original Suburban calls for a dash of Angostura and a dash of orange bitters. I’ve swapped out the orange for whiskey barrel-aged bitters, which underscore the richness of the rum and the port and balance the sharpness of the rye. The end result is even more appropriate for sipping among the leather-backed chairs and wood paneling that Mr. Wondrich evokes here.

Angostura is a bit trickier: This bitters’ main ingredients are alcohol and gentian root, plus the troublingly vague “herbs and spices.” But the company’s website says that one of the purposes of its product is to “temper the acidity of citrus ingredients,” so I’m guessing it should be safe to imbibe a drop or two at a time. If you want to be absolutely certain to avoid an adverse reaction, though, you might want to make some inquiries with the House of Angostura, the Brothers Fee, or even a certified medical professional. Our motto at Mixology Mailbag: “Always consult a doctor before beginning any cocktail program.”

Are you stocking your liquor cabinet to impress a new flame? Looking to expand your horizons beyond the vodka and tonic, but not sure where to start?  In search of the right "umbrella" drink for your beach-themed party?  Let us know!  Post a drinking quandary in the comments, or e-mail the Mailbag at mixologymailbag@gmail.com

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Best Abs Ever- Top 26 People with Inspiring Abs

A decent set of abs has gotten women to watch any kind of professional sports match televised, pay $12 to watch a movie about lovestruck, teenage werewolves, and drool openly about men they may never meet in real life. With Hollywood and entertainment industry laying more interest on fitness than just facial looks, people are becoming more and more interested in fitness and trying to find out how to get that “perfect look”. I Pack Six Pack is here again with a list of people with well defined and most beautiful abs for inspiration.

26-  Star Daniel Craig

25- Cyclist Lance Armstrong

24-  Rapper 50 Cent

23- Soccer Star David Beckham

22-Action Movie Star Will Smith

21- Actor Matthew McConaughey

20- Rocker Dave Navarro

19- Bodybuilder And Actor Ralf Moeller

18- Hip-Hop Star LL Cool J

17- Actor Robert Buckly

16- Actor Hugh Jackman

15-Movie Star Ryan Reynolds

14- Actor Christian Bale

13- Actor Orlando Bloom

12- Actor Brad Pitt

11- TV Star Mario Lopez

10- Actor Chris Carmack

9- Soccer Star Cristiano Ronaldo

7- Football player Reggie Bush

7- Rapper Trey Songz

6- Actor Lance Gross

5- Actor Ryan Phillipe

4- Artist and Actor Chris Brown

3- Twilight Actro Taylor Lautner

2-  Actor and Model Taylor Kitsch

1- Actor Mark Wahlberg

Img Src#1#2#3#4#5#6#8#9#10#11#12#13#14#15#16#17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25

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